tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6682389258079668002024-03-13T00:44:53.237+00:00Harold Bishop's Love ChildI have too much time on my hands...Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-18767994450334870132016-04-11T22:02:00.002+01:002016-04-11T22:08:25.127+01:00I Really Wanted a Bedside Cabinet - Oak Furniture Land.<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Oak Furniture Land.</b></div>
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Everyone in the UK knows their adverts and that 'No veneer in 'ere' slogan of theirs and how it's ripe for a bit of a piss take.<br />
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I started on Twitter with the following two Tweets which led to getting blocked.<br />
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After this, I gave them a few months respite before throwing myself at their Facebook page with this opening gambit. It was a bit crap and not worthy of a response from the company.<br />
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I realised some hilarious anecdotes would probably go down a little better so pestered them with these beauties.<br />
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Rather unbelievably these did not invoke a response, even the Germaine Greer one which is 100% probably true so I offered up a reminder. I really wanted that bedside cabinet.<br />
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This did the trick!<br />
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April Fools Day. Not a good omen for receiving a serious amount of oak furniture but I had my fingers crossed as after all, it's against the law to say 'this is not an April Fools' and commit an April Fool. Doing some cold hard time is a genuine possibility for them if they refuse to send it as a Fool. I just had to have some patience.<br />
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11 days later, I have my oak furniture!<br />
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Well played, Oak Furniture Land. Well played.<br />
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<br />Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-75805492694283941472015-12-10T13:52:00.005+00:002015-12-10T13:52:52.766+00:00Sean Bean At My Wedding.<br />
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A few months ago I did <a href="http://haroldbishopslovechild.blogspot.co.uk/2015/05/sean-bean.html">THIS </a> to a selection of family photos. Unfortunately my heavily pregnant fiancee didn't react too well to the Beaning and proceeded to rip each face off and then binned the original framed Sean Bean picture which I had acquired from a charity shop, ignoring the fact that I'd shelled out 99p for it.<br />
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Things were a little frosty for a while.<br />
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Since then she has become my wife and we've had a beautiful baby girl. Our wedding was utterly fantastic, a big celebration with all of our loved ones coming together to share a perfect day with us.<br />
However, it bugged me that Sean Bean wasn't there. To be fair, Sean was not invited as I couldn't find a contact address due to him not being a very social media friendly person. A little part of me hoped he'd somehow stumble on our ceremony and become part of our day, but alas, this did not happen.
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BUT with the magic combination of Photoshop, Tramadol and a chest infection, IT'S LIKE HE WAS ACTUALLY THERE! Now our big day has gone from around 85% perfect to the full 100%.
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Many Faces of Sean Bean.<br /><br /></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sean Bean</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl2D4F0K3KzPbtS_4fGt8Wd2jMdj8B01BtwXQNFcrKXaHz-aRFlevDNczRig_ol2SSOpPs3hoLSa_VfuMjw5VVv_GUSzKWtcxGDitcMoUVLQd2PmD9SvL8fWVPue_pmU4Nm7mzvBvStPM/s1600/Wedding2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl2D4F0K3KzPbtS_4fGt8Wd2jMdj8B01BtwXQNFcrKXaHz-aRFlevDNczRig_ol2SSOpPs3hoLSa_VfuMjw5VVv_GUSzKWtcxGDitcMoUVLQd2PmD9SvL8fWVPue_pmU4Nm7mzvBvStPM/s640/Wedding2.jpg" title="Look! Sean Bean Again!" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Also Sean Bean</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOu3l-L0VuDXExtcciC3EZ6R3TWojESCMMKmLpC4Z4sIABJdDghyphenhyphenLFbfEulXDz3TsB0_Wvx2KlZAup9Dnmae52VHzCVoqiVCemcsxBxcutKiablJYfhYioHg71IpnU0AiSmx5YB6NO4QQ/s1600/Wedding3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" border="0" height="395" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOu3l-L0VuDXExtcciC3EZ6R3TWojESCMMKmLpC4Z4sIABJdDghyphenhyphenLFbfEulXDz3TsB0_Wvx2KlZAup9Dnmae52VHzCVoqiVCemcsxBxcutKiablJYfhYioHg71IpnU0AiSmx5YB6NO4QQ/s640/Wedding3.jpg" title="Alright Sean, Fuck Off Now." width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yup. Sean Bean.</td></tr>
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Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-88048856170573031482015-10-21T14:31:00.001+01:002015-10-21T15:27:30.248+01:00Tyrannosaurus Rex <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFz45Gp7JDKA5DV-e90LWaEN3AXY1yoLYIY0cpj98AoFywW25Xc9BsG4_LFf3WBbajHW-9TfTN_0o-YORYIiQKGYAXUIDaoGmkTLf0p9uMCAQ6I42dmKtxFP7V-Xn0eymzSV08tIenUds/s1600/Hoff.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Baywatch dinosaur on Portreath beach, Cornwall." border="0" height="309" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFz45Gp7JDKA5DV-e90LWaEN3AXY1yoLYIY0cpj98AoFywW25Xc9BsG4_LFf3WBbajHW-9TfTN_0o-YORYIiQKGYAXUIDaoGmkTLf0p9uMCAQ6I42dmKtxFP7V-Xn0eymzSV08tIenUds/s320/Hoff.jpg" title="Hasselhoffasaurus Rex" width="320" /></a></div>
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I've recently acquired a quite fantastic inflatable T-Rex costume, BEST. PURCHASE. EVER.</div>
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A child's tricycle is perfect for the stubby arms of a T-Rex.</div>
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Hasselhoffasaurus Rex</div>
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More to follow. Many, many more. Too many more.</div>
Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com0Cornwall, UK50.266047099999987 -5.052712499999984248.971635099999986 -7.6344994999999845 51.560459099999989 -2.4709254999999843tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-77091909480883666772015-05-17T12:03:00.002+01:002015-10-21T15:28:06.551+01:00Sean Bean<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<h2 style="text-align: center;">
Best Charity Shop Purchase Ever.</h2>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcBLlCoCMUV3dvtO2c-kZcPUIIUxsi_w8pUaHVn8dvLQ0fpySDnKxBQzPvpS6GG-cGcHXIAl27nk7fNp1Ce2cxeNcckhnXo69zmyCAmifoZwD163o6RyaUs5aVxtrV0Zmg0j5Ilb9xmXs/s1600/10994447_10155271285430046_3944801235451902190_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcBLlCoCMUV3dvtO2c-kZcPUIIUxsi_w8pUaHVn8dvLQ0fpySDnKxBQzPvpS6GG-cGcHXIAl27nk7fNp1Ce2cxeNcckhnXo69zmyCAmifoZwD163o6RyaUs5aVxtrV0Zmg0j5Ilb9xmXs/s200/10994447_10155271285430046_3944801235451902190_n.jpg" width="150" /></a></div>
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Back in February, I found what I claim to be the best item ever put up for a sale in a charity shop. It was a small picture of oft killed-too-soon actor Sean Bean, printed straight from the internet with the 'draft' print setting and placed in the cheapest frame available. For only 99p! I naturally jumped on this, handed over a pound and gave a "just keep the change, I'm a charitable kind of guy" nod to the cashier.<br />
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When I got it home, I refused to take the 99p price tag off and put it in pride of place of our living room bookshelf, right in front of the scan of my unborn daughter. Naturally while this was completely fine with me, my fiancee didn't like the positioning of Sean Bean and removed it. So I placed it back. She removed it again. I put it back. She hid Sean. I found Sean and put him back...and so on and so on.<br />
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One night I was looking at my Sean picture, relegated to the top shelf and hidden behind other family photos. I couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't want Sean Bean's handsome and rugged face, his sharpe (GREAT PUN RIGHT THERE) suits and his untameable hair in pride of place to show off to visitors, home invaders and invited in Jehovah's Witnesses. He's Ned Stark for christ sake. He'd motherflippin' Boromir! HE PLAYED SHARPE! HE PLAYED SHARPE! HE. PLAYED. SHARPE!<br />
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So 57 printed pictures of Sean Bean later, this happened....<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">No photo was safe. No photo went un-Bean'd. Improvements were made. I'm now sexually confused.</span></div>
Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-79585422046139767932014-04-11T17:09:00.000+01:002014-04-11T17:09:01.861+01:00Operation Dog Bath.<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">MASSIVE FAILURE.</span></div>
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My attempt at getting my 48kg Dogue De Bordeaux to have a bath. It didn't work.</div>
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Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-44093774272308444162014-01-30T21:31:00.000+00:002014-01-30T21:31:14.274+00:00Advice About Birds.<h3>
Inadvertent dating advice from Youtube.</h3>
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Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-85599219886756923772013-12-16T15:55:00.000+00:002015-10-21T15:29:01.475+01:00Having Myself a Merry Nigella Christmas...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Team Nigella, baby!</span></div>
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<br />Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-55618426926968423932013-11-27T22:12:00.000+00:002013-11-27T22:12:10.268+00:00Man Eats Cereal.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Kellogg's Variety Pack Challenge.</div>
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<br />Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-54166641932407511602013-10-28T10:59:00.003+00:002013-10-28T10:59:29.183+00:00I Survived The Great UK Storm of 2013....Just<span style="font-size: large;">My previously beautiful and sculpted garden was not so lucky.</span><br />
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<iframe class="vine-embed" frameborder="0" height="600" src="https://vine.co/v/hD767vV5JWp/embed/simple" width="600"></iframe><script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//platform.vine.co/static/scripts/embed.js"></script>Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com0Cornwall, UK50.5036299 -4.652498199999968249.2092179 -7.2342851999999684 51.7980419 -2.0707111999999683tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-22304247838680517242013-07-18T15:03:00.001+01:002013-07-18T15:03:26.916+01:00The Swan - Nature's Bastard.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiprzZ5NJ7-dI0_vk3jWNC6AWgIZxPHoTXH0nmAOJiDhqWvW3dN2m940BViv_LvLOAcuZOI_nOSGHI_Ja1wsTPiu9sO3G6SFyuEbGihi7Yc_7z2aY9NQsa9IarUG6UkOohJjzVP4hxON7Y/s1600/SWAN.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiprzZ5NJ7-dI0_vk3jWNC6AWgIZxPHoTXH0nmAOJiDhqWvW3dN2m940BViv_LvLOAcuZOI_nOSGHI_Ja1wsTPiu9sO3G6SFyuEbGihi7Yc_7z2aY9NQsa9IarUG6UkOohJjzVP4hxON7Y/s320/SWAN.jpg" /></a></div>
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The following letter has been sent to The Queen on behalf of every person in the UK who has been made to feel intimidated and uneasy while visiting a lovely boating lake or pond.</h3>
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Her Majesty The Queen</div>
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Buckingham Palace</div>
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London SW1A 1AA</div>
<br /> <br />Your Majesty,<br /><br /> <br />I have a pressing question that I feel only you, as Queen Protector Of All Gracious Swans, can answer me.<br /><br /> <br />Like most people in the UK, it has been drummed into me since birth that the humble Swan has the power to break your arm with its wing. This is a terrifying thought as Swans are known to get quite shirty and I’ve been eyed up and chased numerous times while walking around the local boating lake.<br /><br />I feel that the Swan is preying on this fear, using it to scare people into dropping bread, wallet, keys etc during the inevitable chase that happens. As such, I was wondering if it is okay to pre-emptively strike a Swan? Running away just leads to even more Swan cockiness and they’re already way too strutty with their long necks and “oh, look at me!” fluffy white plumage. As a man, I need to show it who’s boss and I’d rather do that before we get into a proper scrap where I stand a chance of having my arm broken,<br /><br />It would be great to have this answered before I get pulled by a Royal Swan Protection Officer.<br /><br />I have the honour to be, Madam, Your Majesty's humble and obedient servant.<br /><br /><div>
HBLC.</div>
Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-91988889601092705962013-07-03T13:23:00.000+01:002013-07-05T15:35:51.551+01:00Vine.<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Now Vine has finally made it on to Android, I have finally explored it and created a video. Seems a pretty good medium for this kind of thing so expect a few more in the near future.</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE4PM2fwc1PcOh5s1B4Cpweor_S8vdgMpO1YHkvJFXJWkJgku9yHZJ9eoKgmUoIDHq7ovCR3RGtVuwzC4oHtLTnaC8V1ROHYlb1VXamta5_wHGEz03nwIyC72PYR4xnzpYn-AKL9ims_k/s1600/MeWonder.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE4PM2fwc1PcOh5s1B4Cpweor_S8vdgMpO1YHkvJFXJWkJgku9yHZJ9eoKgmUoIDHq7ovCR3RGtVuwzC4oHtLTnaC8V1ROHYlb1VXamta5_wHGEz03nwIyC72PYR4xnzpYn-AKL9ims_k/s320/MeWonder.jpg" width="281" /></a></div>
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A few years ago now I applied and auditioned to become the match day announcer at Plymouth Argyle. Due to an utter travesty and no doubt some dirty behind the scenes politics, I didn't get the gig. I've not harbored a grudge at all but just before each game I go to at Home Park, when the teams are being announced I tend to cry and start screaming "IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!" at any fan that will listen.<br />
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<a href="http://haroldbishopslovechild.blogspot.co.uk/2010/07/hblc-as-plymouth-argyle-match-day.html">http://haroldbishopslovechild.blogspot.co.uk/2010/07/hblc-as-plymouth-argyle-match-day.html</a><br />
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Today there has been a chance to make amends for that sleight. It's come to light that Plymouth Argyle are employing a gang of cheerleaders (I'm pretty sure when more than one of them get together it's called a gang) and I intend to be one of them. Hopefully the main choreographer if I get my arse in gear and practice.<br />
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The first step is to send an application email -<br />
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When I saw a Tweet from the Argyle account this morning hinting at big news, my stomach fluttered with excitement. Most fans assumed it would be a new signing or something to do with the grandstand but I knew it was something bigger. Something better. Boy, was I right.</div>
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Since the age of 24 I have dreamed of being a cheerleader, jumping around and performing complicated routines. The bits where they throw fellow spandex-cladded cheerpeople up in the air and sometimes catch them just blows my mind.</div>
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I will be honest and say that I have little previous experience in this line of work. Once at a gig I proceeded to wave my hands in the air like I just didn't care but I doubt it's really comparable. I understand the need for fitness and suppleness due to the complex nature of the sport and can confirm to you that I have attended seven beginners yoga sessions over the past year so I'm pretty sure I can withstand the demands put on my body by cheerleading. My yoga teacher once described my as "surprisingly bendy for someone with such short hamstrings". If I need references, I can get hold of that guy and I'm pretty he'd quote that right back to you.</div>
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Finally, I look bloody good in outfits. Although never having worn spandex/lycra, I've dressed as Wonder Woman on a couple of nights out in what is quite frankly a raunchy figure hugging costume. I pulled this off with gusto with plenty of men in the bar I was in telling me that I looked a natural. I will attach a picture of me in said dress to confirm this.</div>
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I hope this application is sufficient. I'm now going to shave my arms, legs and testicular region to cut down on wind resistance while I get some practice in.</div>
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Thank you.</div>
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HBLC</div>
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I attached the photo that you can see at the top of the page where I can be seen wearing the said raunchy outfit. After re-reading my application, I'm supremely confident that I'm going to get the gig. Adding the photo was just insurance.<br />
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Time to start an intensive training regime comprising of lunges, skipping and spinning around really fast. I've got this in the bag.<br />
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UPDATE - I have an audition! 1st of June I will have to strut my stuff, break out the moves and show them just what I am made of.Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-82442573835037282692013-04-16T19:25:00.002+01:002015-10-21T15:29:45.906+01:00Giant Creme Egg!<div style="text-align: center;">
Ever wanted a 1.6kg Cadbury Creme Egg?</div>
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Here's a video of the first bite.<br />
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Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-91463898924889758012013-02-13T23:06:00.001+00:002013-02-13T23:06:50.935+00:00She's a Lucky, Lucky Lady.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Because homemade Valentines cards are so much more romantic.</b></span></div>
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<br />Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-19082760666906637142013-01-18T13:43:00.002+00:002013-01-18T23:48:08.364+00:00Motorboat Whiplash.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikFq9u8KHQfwn8Syh70BKxm6u7ijyFjYTUE9fm2Ad_FM-s6qFYcmzUUjzYvVdJFsgZ4BzcS8aYFChFb_eyknu8aSytxwwojwgCw5gFZG_XdmmJTiK0hdDr8Rx2vfReOhTKJPZ0Vef-ZHs/s1600/MotorboatWhiplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikFq9u8KHQfwn8Syh70BKxm6u7ijyFjYTUE9fm2Ad_FM-s6qFYcmzUUjzYvVdJFsgZ4BzcS8aYFChFb_eyknu8aSytxwwojwgCw5gFZG_XdmmJTiK0hdDr8Rx2vfReOhTKJPZ0Vef-ZHs/s1600/MotorboatWhiplash.jpg" /></a></div>
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I received my 1pm phone call as promised. Unfortunately the application I chose to record the conversation didn't actually do its job. Basically I managed to sustain my laughter while talking about 'the incident' and I've been asked to provide a Doctors certificate confirming my whiplash. I will see what Doctor Vincenzo Enormous can whip up.<br />
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After a quick trip to see Doctor Vincenzo Enormous, I have been given a certificate which pretty much confirms my suspicions.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVcsjEyDSZNqxU7uNDp3fF5mSf8dR946HZC-WIRLqr_MUUU11d_taSF6IH3NegzB4W5Mm0KmRBNXXRKfOlNoX_raKDhz_gKl7gjPWMzWwpNLM9JML2crCGhzhO7MWzd6fuFaOFIkjELm4/s1600/VincenzoDoctor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVcsjEyDSZNqxU7uNDp3fF5mSf8dR946HZC-WIRLqr_MUUU11d_taSF6IH3NegzB4W5Mm0KmRBNXXRKfOlNoX_raKDhz_gKl7gjPWMzWwpNLM9JML2crCGhzhO7MWzd6fuFaOFIkjELm4/s1600/VincenzoDoctor.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-87968959531788838902012-08-08T23:31:00.000+01:002012-08-17T16:41:03.349+01:00Einheitliche Dating.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC6ooF7RJXDRkZ4g19fwUm976QEVaF1L77vt2JPQZwVaSGADCBnn2XnyGFxoms__uo8E1y6ehKbHBytH7cE17lwNqxB7GKhhK0Ks84LCG9uFtlps0WmoG9V9B5wnfPEeqDE_cGmgA38PM/s1600/uniformda.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="145" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC6ooF7RJXDRkZ4g19fwUm976QEVaF1L77vt2JPQZwVaSGADCBnn2XnyGFxoms__uo8E1y6ehKbHBytH7cE17lwNqxB7GKhhK0Ks84LCG9uFtlps0WmoG9V9B5wnfPEeqDE_cGmgA38PM/s320/uniformda.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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That's 'Uniform Dating' for those of you that didn't get a C in GCSE in German like myself. So how hard do you think it would be for a Nazi soldier to get a date on a site that is for people who like uniforms? Well it's pretty damn easy.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBfUrimislGNnCwzJ-O7NhITegodPhKhFUs0TYeDi5Qx-s6V8YS_u961QbvsIyH3X-7fVKcsxbPgmpFXw-eTNCxF9H6DwToyDsSbLcgWrKOvsBnZ_dp8v2s5rnGQBy2ASoNz24EIbRWDI/s1600/Jahwohl2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBfUrimislGNnCwzJ-O7NhITegodPhKhFUs0TYeDi5Qx-s6V8YS_u961QbvsIyH3X-7fVKcsxbPgmpFXw-eTNCxF9H6DwToyDsSbLcgWrKOvsBnZ_dp8v2s5rnGQBy2ASoNz24EIbRWDI/s400/Jahwohl2.jpg" width="383" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Was a bit peckish in my photo, LOL!"</td></tr>
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Meet Klaus. The robust, fine looking member of the 11th Panzer Division. Fresh from battles on the checkout at Woolworths. Klaus quickly became a wanted man. Not wanted due to probable war crimes but wanted by women for his uniform.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP4TII6AxcjxmbUSI6_g0jFPOk_oSZOC2FCmKMMAGW1y-G_DbM-4RooFXNaFZzOrX_5i8eHsrwf_A55NJ508jW3c4cCSHwkjoyU8lnDmsD24aicejSqOw6TgGOSSK0ZACVQN__ow97vWU/s1600/jahwohl4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP4TII6AxcjxmbUSI6_g0jFPOk_oSZOC2FCmKMMAGW1y-G_DbM-4RooFXNaFZzOrX_5i8eHsrwf_A55NJ508jW3c4cCSHwkjoyU8lnDmsD24aicejSqOw6TgGOSSK0ZACVQN__ow97vWU/s400/jahwohl4.jpg" width="122" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ladies man.<br />
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Unfortunately Klaus was a bit too tight to shell out the required deutschmarks to gain full access to the site so had to make do with sending one well written, witty and down right hot message to the fine fraulein of his choice.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7VKWkh_X-jnkHrEpzVWNjQE4xp_22_sTuMKT2m9na5ndpdfZCvw725K3zMiBaA9GE-0OiTIXEdbOV7iRtnC1hTotsLhWiuoDiVxribkoBAi0BAqOBMUQ87HK4ubqIhtmPZfJ4iUG_3Z4/s1600/SCHNELL.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="202" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7VKWkh_X-jnkHrEpzVWNjQE4xp_22_sTuMKT2m9na5ndpdfZCvw725K3zMiBaA9GE-0OiTIXEdbOV7iRtnC1hTotsLhWiuoDiVxribkoBAi0BAqOBMUQ87HK4ubqIhtmPZfJ4iUG_3Z4/s400/SCHNELL.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In. The. Bag.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Klaus has a sense of humour too.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNIaulnPd7ZPMLqOHq2cAIl2hb23Brl2cyj0bTH7s9QZ7WexTPPd7Rq4ixNetH8Wf5eXIPaJ8iyGcDdMKyJwo_90HeaRDzvF-6n64x7rRS4tzppbDdzt8MM8ocloy_eCrPitv1ZZyucV8/s1600/jahwohl7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="237" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNIaulnPd7ZPMLqOHq2cAIl2hb23Brl2cyj0bTH7s9QZ7WexTPPd7Rq4ixNetH8Wf5eXIPaJ8iyGcDdMKyJwo_90HeaRDzvF-6n64x7rRS4tzppbDdzt8MM8ocloy_eCrPitv1ZZyucV8/s400/jahwohl7.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">LAUGH OUT LOUD.</td></tr>
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With jokes like that, it's no wonder Klaus is beating them off with a stick. Must be the thought of seeing his panzerschreck.<br />
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And how far is he prepared to travel to meet to woman of his dreams? No Fuhrer than twenty miles!<br />
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UPDATE. Banned from Uniform Dating!<br />
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<span style="background-color: #edeff4; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;">"To protect our members, we have suspended your account due to it being reported as suspicious"</span>
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It's a depressing day when a Nazi looking for love is considered suspicious. Political correctness gone mad. Klaus - alone forever.<br />
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Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-24440695521613453912012-07-18T20:52:00.002+01:002012-12-27T10:51:28.589+00:00Too Many Creme Eggs? You Must Be YOLKing!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPfHVwIorNq9wckSMt5ndSqN_2YU3YBITvY25646QbfSXCSGngzEL4fM1r_G1iKS-fPqVquFkMFIero7TS09y4O1KiYi8SCO7Ils58EVUaH1_pzOBFkLDwfLL66ZqMFTIPJz1ntqKNPQ0/s1600/LOADS.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPfHVwIorNq9wckSMt5ndSqN_2YU3YBITvY25646QbfSXCSGngzEL4fM1r_G1iKS-fPqVquFkMFIero7TS09y4O1KiYi8SCO7Ils58EVUaH1_pzOBFkLDwfLL66ZqMFTIPJz1ntqKNPQ0/s320/LOADS.jpg" width="190" /></a></div>
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What do you do when you've purchased 240 Creme Eggs? Complain to Cadbury that one of them was shoddy of course!<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<i><b><span style="color: white;">Dear Cadbury.</span></b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<i><b><span style="color: white;">You guys make Creme Eggs and I applaud you massively for this. They have been a mainstay in my diet for many years now.</span></b></i></div>
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<i><b><span style="color: white;">Now, a couple of months ago I purchased 240 crème eggs. I realise that acquiring ten kilograms of them is tantamount to self-harm but I’ve been getting through them at a bloody good rate, only needing to up my running by an extra 75 kilometres a week. Last night I reached into the last remaining box and picked out an egg. It felt okay, had no superficial damage and was at a temperature that wouldn’t render it melty or solid. Unwrapped it and visually inspected like I always do. All good.</span></b></i></div>
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<i><b><span style="color: white;">I took a bite. “OH MY GOOD GOD!” I shouted. It was empty and hollow. As empty and hollow as David Cameron’s smile. I went outside and threw the offending confectionary into a local building site, not wanting to see it again. I heard it clang off the bucket of a JCB followed by a man swearing but that’s neither here nor there.</span></b></i></div>
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<i><b><span style="color: white;">I’m sure everyone involved with the design and build of the Cadbury creme egg empire has a pretty decent knowledge of how real eggs are formed. I wouldn’t expect any less as I can imagine the amount of research that went into making creme eggs was damn extensive. Therefore each member of staff should know that an egg shell is formed after the albumen wraps itself around the yolk, then a hard shell is gradually developed. If you have no egg white or yolk, you can have no shell as it has nothing to form around.</span></b></i></div>
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<i><b><span style="color: white;">This crème egg had no white or yolk. Therefore it’s an abomination, goes against science and evolution and is terribly offensive to poultry.</span></b></i></div>
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<i><b><span style="color: white;">All I ask is that Cadbury accept the egg forming process which has been around for thousands and thousands of years and stop trying to ruin it with its own brand of science. No one wants an empty egg. No one.</span></b></i></div>
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<i><b><span style="color: white;">Yours.</span></b></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px;">
<i><b><span style="color: white;">Dean Pascoe.</span></b></i></div>
</blockquote>
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I managed to display my anger in word form and for this I expected a few boxes of Creme Eggs from Cadbury as an apology to the massive sleight dealt out to me. But no. A corporate letter displaying no sense of humour at all and a £1 voucher. A £1 voucher which could only buy me one Creme Egg from a high street retailer. The headed Cadbury paper didn't even smell of chocolate. I mean, come on! The worst part is that they've assumed the egg was filled entirely with chocolate instead of their "special" filling which is wrong and was clearly outlined in my complaint. Willy Wonka wouldn't have overseen that. Cadbury amateurs.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://img692.imageshack.us/img692/7396/cremeeggcadburyletter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://img692.imageshack.us/img692/7396/cremeeggcadburyletter.jpg" width="192" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Click to MAKE MASSIVE.</td></tr>
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In case of people expecting eggxageration (HAHAHAHAHA!) in my complaint, I really did have 10 kilograms of Creme Eggs. Most people have said that's way too much but those people will never understand the love me and Creme Eggs share. The love is so much that I have just ordered another hundred of the little buggers. As just eating them as is can get a little tiresome after a while, I've been experimenting.<br />
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<u><b>1) The BBQ.</b></u><br />
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Fired up the Weber and whacked a couple of them on there. Extremely sickly and I got burnt on the foil. Unpleasant.<br />
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<u><b>2) Brownie. </b></u><br />
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Cookie dough base, Creme Egg middle and a brownie topping. Divine.<br />
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<u><b>3) Masterchef.</b></u><br />
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Creme Egg wrapped in bacon and served on a rocket salad. F**king disgusting and almost put me off both bacon and Creme Eggs for life. Almost.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9JcMhQqsDRXVb9RK06ahFdES3aeUpPBFZZjSDn1TC9FvVMK4u4adA28wKXChttu9jsYYiiLCMPgxp1TOOQyGl7wNIKRXmPrD9umkmnVx9OmJOOH3dA0HKDjIS7nw1XlqrupJhP8aenIE/s1600/Bacon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9JcMhQqsDRXVb9RK06ahFdES3aeUpPBFZZjSDn1TC9FvVMK4u4adA28wKXChttu9jsYYiiLCMPgxp1TOOQyGl7wNIKRXmPrD9umkmnVx9OmJOOH3dA0HKDjIS7nw1XlqrupJhP8aenIE/s320/Bacon.jpg" width="190" /></a></div>
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<u><b>4) Scottish.</b></u><br />
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Creme Eggs in batter and deep fried. It's no wonder the Scottish life expectancy is on par with some of the poorest nations on earth when this is their daily diet. Tasted amazing though and thoroughly recommended.<br />
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5) Scotch Creme Egg.<br />
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Creme Egg encased in sausage meat, covered in bread crumbs and then deep fried. Devine. Surprisingly devine.<br />
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Next for me is the Creme Egg Cornish Pasty. A combination of two of my favourite things and one of my worst. Creme Eggs, Cornish Pasty and a heart attack.<br />
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A final thing. If you didn't soil yourself at the pun in the title, you're dead inside.<br />
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<br />Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-75291864012258598452012-04-04T21:22:00.002+01:002015-10-21T15:30:36.583+01:00I'm Now An Entrepreneur.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I wont lie, it did take me a number of goes to spell "entrepreneur". I didn't pansy out and let the spell check take over, oh no. I kept going 'til the red squiggly line disappeared like a real man.</div>
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I've been working at becoming an entrepreneur (first time, get in) for some time now but have struggled to come up with a genuinely useful idea, something that every member of the public will need, something that will adorn those little JML stalls dotted around Poundland. I didn't realise just how difficult it was and I've come away with utmost respect for people like Alan Sugar, inventor of the now obsolete fax-phone thing. I can only assume it took him months of deep thought and energy drinks as well. I'm not comparing myself to Sir Alan by the way. That would be ludicrous as he's much older than me and is a Cockney. I'm just implying that we have the same knack for inventing things and share an entreprenueral...entreprenural...entrepreneurial mindset.</div>
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My breakthrough came when I'd had a day at the football and fancied coming home to some beer, a pizza and a nice relaxing bath. I realised that the three are not usually mixed but it just made so much sense to me. I've oft used the phrase "it goes together like a bath, a pizza and a beer" to describe things that just work together perfectly so you can see why this worked in my new entrepreneurial brain. I quickly Googled "beer, bath and pizza solutions" to check some madman hadn't got there before me and stolen what is clearly my idea*. Fortunately there was nothing.</div>
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I set about designing my creating on the back of a Lidl 'deal of the week' flyer (I hear Lord Sugar does this) and eventually settled with a design that is basically a shoebox and a flag. Over complication of ideas is the killer of invention. Simplicity is art.</div>
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Building this craft took no time at all as I am very skilled in the art of putting bits together from other bits. I haven't been taught this, it's come naturally and to save a wasted email, no I cannot teach it. Lovingly crafting the flag came first. It needed to have a clear typeface to announce to the world the name of my product, the item that is missing in their lives. Next was the NOW UNBRANDED shoebox. It looked perfect and I knew my dream was realised. But what if it didn't work? It would have been a disaster far worse than the Titanic but with obviously fewer casualties.</div>
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I began to lower it to the bath with trembling hands. I let it drop the remaining three inches as I could feel a sneeze coming. Phase one was complete...it didn't burst into flame! Phase two involved the pizza. I chose a meat feast for no other reason than I was craving it at the time. I think any topping would work on the 'Pizza and Beer Pontoon', maybe with the exception of a Hawaiian because the idea of it is completely abhorrent to me. One slice at a time, the pizza boarded. Easy. The potential iceberg to my Titanic was always going to be the UNBRANDED bottle of Carlsberg Export lager. Now was not the time for thinking so I just placed it on and jumped back, waiting for death or glory. GLORY! It still floated. My genius had been realised and I knew that I've got the next big thing on my hands.</div>
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For practicality, this had to be tested with a person in the bath to see how easy it can be used. Unfortunately this hasn't been done yet as I had run the bath bollock-blisteringly hot and could only get a quarter of my body in. I'm still calling it a success though and anyone that says other wise can shut up.</div>
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I knew I had to take this to Dragons Den so I announced to the Twitter world that I would be on the show for the next series. A bit pre-mature but I'm confident. Even more confident when comedian Al Murray made a legally binding (must check this) offer for my business.</div>
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Hahaha, like I'd give away 24%. He must think I'm a mug. I applied online to Dragons Den, seeking a more sensible £20,000 for only 5%.</div>
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I'm so certain this will be a success that I'm currently building the next model. It's basically a shoebox with a disposable BBQ on top of it....because who doesn't like burnt BBQ food in the bath?</div>
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*Years back I invented the spork. I found out weeks later that it had already been in use since probably the seventies but I refuse to acknowledge this and I am currently claiming a monetary percentage of every one ever made. It's a long, drawn out process.</div>Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-45896407458539729192011-09-10T19:19:00.004+01:002011-09-15T18:14:34.740+01:00Kelbloggs.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sometimes it's really difficult to think up a really witty and hilarious title for a post but as this is a blog and this particular post is about Kellogg's, I have succeeded massively with Kelbloggs. It works and it can't be denied.<br />
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A while back I purchased a pack of Kellogg's Coco Pops Moons and Stars. I'm not sure exactly what I expected of this cereal but I found myself left disappointed. Not with the taste mind, they were satisfactory...but with the size of the individual pieces. Tiny.<br />
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Angry, I fired off an email to Kellogg's. Which was ignored. Angrier, I fired off a letter to Kellogg's which was ignored for a month or so.<br />
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<blockquote>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Dear Kellogg’s.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>I
wish I was writing to you on the subject of something happier but I am afraid I
have a complaint with a product. The product in question is the cereal, Coco
Pops Moon & Stars.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>I
must stress that my problem is not with the taste, it is more to do with the
size of the supposed moon and stars.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>As an
esteemed Astronomer, this box of cereal jumped out at me down the cereal aisle
of my local supermarket. A cereal containing my two favourite things, I could
scarcely believe my luck. I decided I wanted to try them as soon as possible so
just left my trolley of groceries blocking an aisle and ran to the self scan
checkout.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>I
couldn’t even wait until home. I ripped into the cereal box with abandon fury
while sat in the supermarket trolley bay. Hands trembling, I tore the
cellophane and slipped inside.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>I
recoiled in horror at what I pulled out. These supposed moon and stars were out
of proportion. Not just slightly, hideously. Even an untrained eye could see
this.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>I’ve
rounded these figures to make things easier (after all, this is my spare time)
but I think it shows just how wrong Kellogg’s have got it.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>The
diameter of the Moon – 3500km.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>The
diameter of the average star – 1280000km.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>Therefore
the moon is around 365 times smaller than the average star.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>The
diameter of a Kellogg’s Moon – 15mm.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>The
diameter of a Kellogg’s star – 20 mm.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>Kellogg’s
have got it right that a star is bigger than the moon but I feel it is a disgrace
that Kellogg’s have not got the proportions correct.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>Taking
this into account, I believe that if Kellogg’s are going to continue making the
star 20mm, the moon that accompanies should be around 0.054mm. Anything else is
just insulting Astronomers like me and also confusing our nations children. It
depresses me to think that kids, after eating this cereal are living their
lives believing that the moon is only 5 millimetres smaller than a star.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>I
implore Kellogg’s to sort this matter out. Anything else is just letting down
our nations future.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>I
appreciate any reply.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>Thank
you<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i> Dean Pascoe.</i><b><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
</blockquote>
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As this matter was cruelly ignored by Kellogg's for around four months, I was getting ready to picket the factory. That was until I realised it was north of the Tamar and would require vaccinations and a period in quarantine to cross. Lucky for me, Kellogg's finally responded to the serious amount of pressure I was putting on them and a letter dropped through my door.<br />
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Click to enlarge, esse.</div>
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As they have taken my comments on board, I look forwards to more realistic proportions very soon. With a larger box. I will spend the £3 on another box of cereal that I hopefully will not find fault with.</div>
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Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-28559557696640319132011-06-14T16:27:00.000+01:002011-09-15T18:14:57.714+01:00Nominating An Olympic Torch Bearer.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i53.tinypic.com/29o04g7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://i53.tinypic.com/29o04g7.jpg" /></a></div>Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-59417001424617400962011-02-25T17:01:00.000+00:002011-09-15T18:15:43.317+01:00Maybe He's Not Such a Bastard After All....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/2J99Oab0eDA?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-25912544454497952922010-12-27T14:00:00.002+00:002010-12-27T14:18:21.178+00:00The Baby Jesus, 2010 (rtd hurt). <br />
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Most people get so wrapped (hehe) up in the giving and receiving side of Christmas that they forget what it's really about. <br />
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Now as I'm not a religious man, I don't know a massive amount about Jesus but from what I do know, these days if he was about he would be regarded as some sort of superhero.<br />
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<blockquote><strong>1) He changed water into wine! He's shit all over science with that one. I've never seen 'em show it can be done on Brainiac.</strong></blockquote><blockquote><strong>2) Healing people! That MRSA superbug must be bricking it waiting for ol' Jesus to come back. He'd karate chop that bug into next week. Then next week he'd do the same, ad inifinitum.</strong></blockquote><blockquote><strong>3) The fish and bread thing! I can't remember the details but he had some fish and bread and made more fish and bread out of the fish and bread to give to people who needed fish and bread. Craggy-faced swearmaster Gordon Ramsey probably can't even imagine doing something like this. I've definitely not seen it in any of his recipe books anyway.</strong></blockquote><blockquote><strong>4) Walking on water! This feat is so cool he had a lizard named after him. It's the Jesus Lizard for anyone that can't guess. Also the name of a great band. I don't recall Spider Man having a lizard or a band named after him. The actual lizard itself can only run on water because of it's great speed. Jesus could do whatever the hell he wanted on the water. Didn't have to run at all.</strong></blockquote><blockquote><strong>5) Calmed a stormy sea! Not particularly impressed with this one, I'm clearly running out.</strong></blockquote><blockquote><strong>6) He could breathe tornadoes! I can't find anything on the internet to back this up but I'm sure I read this when I was a kid. Could be thinking of something else though so don't take it as gospel (I'm on fire!).</strong></blockquote><br />
Sounds pretty cool, right? When I hear on the news that he's coming back I'll probably try and get his autograph and maybe have a pint with him. I've already got a business plan I want to propose to him that involves wine bottles full of water. <br />
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*Someone has just told me that he wouldn't be 2010. I've spent the last few days drunk so I'm not going to work it out. If it's wrong just imagine I had it right.Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-82471957101765301802010-09-13T15:59:00.000+01:002015-10-21T15:31:38.463+01:00Calippo Shots Disaster.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0foAdA6lpF9ZLlGNZWZRe7qteewbtZ3s1W6V7_oEQNz3tKQds-Mqw0I0R5YAVZ4HfIXzAuoqmSPHzaKL7rp6rHkFPK6xIdD5q0usNsYH7PVOUCJAi7YMwk9JUk_DGX3xomWUuzyAjMMc/s1600/calippo+shots.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" ox="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0foAdA6lpF9ZLlGNZWZRe7qteewbtZ3s1W6V7_oEQNz3tKQds-Mqw0I0R5YAVZ4HfIXzAuoqmSPHzaKL7rp6rHkFPK6xIdD5q0usNsYH7PVOUCJAi7YMwk9JUk_DGX3xomWUuzyAjMMc/s200/calippo+shots.jpg" width="126" /></a></div><br />
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Calippo (formerly Solero) Shots. For those living under a rock, I'm talking about a product that contains hundreds of tiny flavoured ice balls. It's like a shotgun cartridge of refreshment straight to the face. You just open the top, open your mouth and knock 'em back. Mmmmmmmmmmm, refreshing.<br />
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Unfortunately as anyone who has ever tried one knows it's not quite that easy. If exposed to any temperature warmer than a witches tit, the ice balls clump together thus hindering them making an exit into your mouth. Then the only way to get to them is with brute force.<br />
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This has happened to me too many times so I hit up the Wall's website and started to make a complaint in the 'contact us' section. Unfortunately I reached the 1000 character limit half way through so that idea had to be abandoned. With no sign of a Wall's email address anyway, I sought out the CEO of the parent company, Unilever. A quick Google provided an email contact address so I went ahead with this -<br />
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<blockquote></blockquote><blockquote><em>Dear Mr. Polman.</em><br />
<em></em><br />
<em><br />
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<em>I have tried to make this complaint on the Wall's specific wesbite, but there was no email and the 'contact us' section only allowed for 1000 characters. I would appreciate this email being forwarded to the proper department so I can get a response. Thanks.</em><br />
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<strong><em>Dear Wall's.</em></strong><br />
<strong><br />
<em></em></strong><br />
<strong><em>It was a sunny day at Newquay Zoo and I was parched. Made my way over to a beverage kiosk and perused the substantial ice cream menu.</em></strong><br />
<strong><em> A container stood out for me. Bright green in colour which had me salivating instantly. The name, 'Calippo' conjured up images of the Caribbean. The picture on the tube left me knowing without a doubt that I would be refreshed.</em></strong><br />
<strong><br />
<em></em></strong><br />
<strong><em>''One Calippo Shots, please'' said I, shaking with barely controlled excitement. I handed over a five pound note, not caring how much it cost. I needed it.</em></strong><br />
<strong><em> The woman behind the kiosk handed me the icy goodness and gave a knowing nod. Eyes like saucers, staring at the beautifully designed package, I told her to keep the change.</em></strong><br />
<strong><em> I sat down at a nearby bench knowing that if I tasted these while stood up, I would be instantly thrown to the ground as my body tries to cope with the insane amount of refreshment bestowed upon it.</em></strong><br />
<strong><em> I'd waited long enough. Cracking open the seal and opening the liddy thing, I put my nose to it like I was experiencing the smell of a particularly fine Chardonnay. The scent of Lemon/Lime hit me like an express train. But in a good, non messy way.</em></strong><br />
<strong><br />
<em></em></strong><br />
<strong><em>I raised the container to my mouth and without hesitation, knocked them back.</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>Confusion reigned. Nothing fell into my mouth. I tried it again. Still nothing.</em></strong><br />
<strong><br />
<em></em></strong><br />
<strong><em>The individual spheres of flavoured ice had clumped together in a devastating mess. I tried to shake it but to no avail. I hadn't experienced disappointment like this since first tasting Turkish Delight.</em></strong><br />
<strong><em> After one more attempt at dislodging the congealment, I'd had enough. I threw the Calippo Shots into the monkey enclosure, inadvertently striking a Macaque. This led to a nasty scene where I was forced to leave the zoo.</em></strong><br />
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<em></em></strong><br />
<strong><em>Wall's. You need to buck your ideas up and sort out this mess. There has to be a chemical somewhere that stops ice melting in hot weather. You have a large research budget and I suggest you use it.</em></strong><br />
<strong><br />
<em></em></strong><br />
<strong><em>I look forward to your reply.</em></strong><br />
<strong><br />
<em></em></strong><br />
<strong><em>Thank you, Dean Pascoe.</em></strong></blockquote>Straight to the top, no messing. It is a serious problem after all and they needed to know about it. Fortunately my complaint sent shock waves through Unilever towers and I received the following -<br />
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<blockquote><strong><em>Dear Dean,</em></strong><br />
<strong><em></em></strong><br />
<strong><em> Paul Polman has asked me to reply to your e-mail and to thank you for telling us about your problem in such an interesting manner.</em></strong><br />
<strong><br />
<em></em></strong><br />
<strong><em>The good news is that the team in the lab know what to do to stop the Calippo from melting in the sun. Unfortunately, they've not yet worked out how to make sure it will still melt when you eat it. They are still working on it but it may take some time.</em></strong><br />
<strong><br />
<em></em></strong><br />
<strong><em>In the meantime we've got a couple of options. One is to have fewer sunny days (and it looks like they succeeded this August). Better still is to make sure the Calippo stays as cold as possible right to the point where you want to eat it - frozen refreshment just when you need it most.</em></strong><br />
<strong><em> Hopefully the next time you need a Calippo it will be in perfect condition. With a bit of luck there will still be some sunny days to help bring out Calippo's best features.</em></strong><br />
<strong><em> If you let us have your address we'll be glad to send a voucher - just reply to this e-mail, making sure that the reference number is in the subject line.</em></strong><br />
<strong><em> Let's hope the Macaque has recovered and is not considering a claim for personal injury - do let us know if one of those ambulance chasing lawyers writes to you and we'll try to help out.</em></strong><br />
<strong><em> <br />
Regards,</em></strong><br />
<strong><br />
<em></em></strong><br />
<strong><em>Phil Hood</em></strong><br />
<strong><em>Consumer Care Manager</em></strong></blockquote><br />
I for one am glad that scientists in laboratories are working towards a better Calippo Shots for all of us. Though until the problem is fixed, I advise anyone who desires to purchase a Calippo Shot to have a large knife on you to get at the ice clump inside the carton. <br />
<br />
PS - To any PETA people out there - The Macaque is fine. Probably.Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-54749111978592220952010-08-24T17:49:00.000+01:002010-08-24T17:49:17.103+01:00'Build-a-Burger' Sweets.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i37.tinypic.com/111i6nk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" ox="true" src="http://i37.tinypic.com/111i6nk.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><br />
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I purchased a packet of 'Build a Burger' sweets from Tesco on a whim. A tasty, tasty whim. Alas, all was not what it seemed.<br />
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As the packet shows a picture of a particularly happy burger and the name says 'build a burger', I presumed that it would contain tasty jellied ingredients which could be stacked to make a delicious hamburger-looking treat. Unfortunately the contents were far from adequate so I fired off an email to Tesco customer services to let them know this.<br />
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<blockquote><em>Dear Tesco Customer Services.</em><br />
<br />
<em><br />
</em><br />
<em>I purchased a packet of Tesco 'Build a Burger' jelly sweets from a store today and I would like to declare that I am really not happy with the product.</em><br />
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</em><br />
<em>The packaging depicts a burger on the front. A bun, a slab of brown (I presume beef), cheese, tomato and lettuce. Judging from the name and this picture, I presumed that I would be able to build a mini jelly burger out of various jelly ingredients. How wrong I was.</em><br />
<em><br />
</em><br />
<em>On inspection of the jellies there's a top half of the bun, lettuce shaped green jelly, tomato shaped red jelly and cheese shaped yellow jelly. Each of the jellies that represents the filling have the bottom half of the bun incorporated into them. I searched through the packet and emptied the contents out but I could not find what I always assume is the main bit in a burger...the meat. Unless it was just this particular bag of sweets that had the jelly meat cruelly omitted, I just cannot understand why Tesco would deem it normal to not include the main ingredient. It's commercial suicide.</em><br />
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</em><br />
<em>I must also add that I am unhappy with the amount of each ingredient. As you can see from this photo....</em><br />
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</em><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i37.tinypic.com/2q07vhj.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><em><img border="0" height="190" ox="true" src="http://i37.tinypic.com/2q07vhj.jpg" width="320" /></em></a></div><em><br />
</em><br />
<em> </em><br />
<em>Five lots of lettuce.</em><br />
<em>Six top buns.</em><br />
<em>One cheese.</em><br />
<em>Eight tomato.</em><br />
<em><br />
</em><br />
<em>I guess too much was expected when I was thought that there would be an equal number of pieces. Seeing as there are fourteen bottom bun halves, why are there only six top halves? It defies sense and must have been the work of a lunatic. I suppose you could argue that two of the filling jellies could be put underneath the top bun and you would have six complete burgers (minus the meat obviously, sigh) but this is a stupid argument as there would be two bottom buns in each burger. Are Tesco really telling children that that much bread is good for you? I should hope not as Watchdog would jump right on your case.</em><br />
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<em>As I'm not really a moaning person, I like to give constructive feedback which is why I include the following picture. I built my own mini burger just to give your Tesco sweet scientists a general idea on just what it should look like. Note the detail and inclusion of a nice bit of succulent beef. I used the original buns as I don't deem them to be part of the problem.</em><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i33.tinypic.com/2lu756o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><em><img border="0" height="320" ox="true" src="http://i33.tinypic.com/2lu756o.jpg" width="213" /></em></a></div><em><br />
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<em>I hope you will take all of this on board and not produce such a shoddy and confused product in the future.</em><br />
<em><br />
</em><br />
<em>Thank you.</em><br />
<em><br />
</em><br />
<em>Dean Pascoe.</em></blockquote>I figured that would have them quaking in their boots but would also give Tesco adequate scope to improve upon their product in the future. How right I was....<br />
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<em> Dear Dean,</em><br />
<blockquote><br />
<em><br />
</em><br />
<em>Thank you for your email.</em><br />
<em><br />
</em><br />
<em>Firstly, I’d like to apologise for the delay in getting back to you. Please let me assure you that we always try to respond to our customers' queries in a timely manner and I’m sorry that due to high volumes of contact, this has not happened on this occasion.</em><br />
<em><br />
</em><br />
<em>I'm very sorry to hear that your 'Build a Burger' didn't have the amount of each sweets or the main ingredient that you expected. I appreciate how disappointing this must have been for you.</em><br />
<em><br />
</em><br />
<em>However, our suppliers try hard to make sure that the right amount of each ingredient is included in the product. Because the product includes several ingredients, sadly, it is possible for the mix to vary.</em><br />
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<em>Further to this, if you could reply with your address details, and also the bar code of the product, I'd be happy to send you £3.00 gesture of good will on a money card, to spend how you please. I hope you accept this with my best intentions.</em><br />
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</em><br />
<em>Also, I've told our Supplier about this and they assured me that they'll do everything they can to make sure this doesn't happen again.</em><br />
<em><br />
</em><br />
<em>Thank you for letting me know about this. I hope that despite your experience, you'll continue to shop with us.</em><br />
<em><br />
</em><br />
<em>If you have any further queries please do not hesitate to contact me at customer.service@tesco.co.uk quoting TES********.</em><br />
<em><br />
</em><br />
<em>Kind Regards</em><br />
<em><br />
</em><br />
<em>(Name removed....because I can)</em><br />
<em>Customer Service Manager</em><br />
<em>Tesco Customer Service</em></blockquote><br />
£3! Three pounds sterling! I would work out how many packs of 'build a burger' sweets that can buy me but I didn't check the price when I bought them due to my enthusiasm. I will be using this unexpected windfall to purchase any many bags as possible so I can do a count as to the ratio of jellied ingredients within. If Tesco don't up their game....well.....I'll take this to the Supreme Court. Of JUSTICE.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://i36.tinypic.com/2448sp0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" ox="true" src="http://i36.tinypic.com/2448sp0.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-668238925807966800.post-45868068786876776972010-08-22T13:27:00.001+01:002010-08-22T13:27:55.150+01:00The BT Advert Saga.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/content/images/2007/03/01/bennickpub396_396x222.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="111" ox="true" src="http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/content/images/2007/03/01/bennickpub396_396x222.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Soooo........1.6million people voted that Adam and Jane are going to have a baby. 1600000 people that are interested in the goings-on of a fictional couple that appear in the advertising breaks during Corrie or Hollyoaks. More people than the population of Cornwall and Devon combined felt strongly enough about the bloke who used to be in My Family and the woman that used to be in Spooks that they bothered to log onto their Facebook account and registered a vote. Democracy in action.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">As Jane was rubbing her tummy in the advert before the vote, it was obvious she was going to be pregnant. Why couldn't the public have voted 'no' just to screw BT up a bit? They would have had to explain her rubbing as trapped wind. But oh no, all the middle-aged women stuck in crap marriages who voted for her to be pregnant wouldn't do this as they want to see a couple actually happy, even if they don't exist.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I realise that as I am mentioning the BT adverts, it shows that I am also interested in the fictional lives of the 'modern family'. This is indeed true but only because I have ideas for scenarios that could come into play in the future.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><blockquote><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">1) Starts off with a touching scene where Adam and Jane are messing about outside and feeding deer in some remote mountain house (which still has decent internet speeds somehow). Without warning, a helicopter heads towards them and lands. A general gets out and declares that someone is going for Adam's old SAS team and he could be next.</div>Adam promises Jane that he will not leave. All of a sudden....BANG! Gunfire and explosions, all that stuff. While all this goes on, Adam makes loads of awesome quips and one liners and Jane gets kidnapped by her ex-husband in leather trousers and a chain mail vest.<br />
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This could also has great scope for future related adverts where we see Adam storming a lovely island full of millions of blokes with guns, all shooting at him and missing.<br />
<br />
2) No more is mentioned about the pregnancy. In one advert, Jane is walking down the street talking on her phone to Adam. She walks by an abortion clinic and falls silent before carrying on with her conversation.<br />
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3) Adam using his BT broadband connection to put Jane up on Ebay for a laugh. She's bought for £210 by a hospital porter from Sidcup. Adam values his Ebay feedback too much to cancel the deal and Jane is never seen again. After all of that, the porter doesn't even leave feedback which enrages Adam for the next few adverts.<br />
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4) The Harper family from 'My Family' move into the house and hilarity ensues.<br />
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5) A series of adverts showing Adam getting more and more irate at the fact that his BT broadband is advertised as 'up to 15Mbps' but his download speed is a paltry 1.1Mbps. He rings BT customer service and after spending 45 minutes on the phone to them, he gets absolutely nowhere and declares BT to be a ''shower of shite''. In the next advert he can be seen trying to change his broadband over to Virgin. This does not go to plan though as BT lose the MAC code and Adam literally shits a chicken. The youngest of Jane's children gets punched.</blockquote><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div>When I one day become Creative Director of BT, you can be sure that I will implement these adverts quick haste. Adam and Jane have been getting away with happy families for way too long now.Harold Bishop's Love Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17557952215406767469noreply@blogger.com1