Harold Bishop's Love Child...and all the crap that comes with it.

Kelbloggs.

2011-09-10T19:19:00.004+01:00

Sometimes it's really difficult to think up a really witty and hilarious title for a post but as this is a blog and this particular post is about Kellogg's, I have succeeded massively with Kelbloggs. It works and it can't be denied.

A while back I purchased a pack of Kellogg's Coco Pops Moons and Stars. I'm not sure exactly what I expected of this cereal but I found myself left disappointed. Not with the taste mind, they were satisfactory...but with the size of the individual pieces. Tiny.

Angry, I fired off an email to Kellogg's. Which was ignored. Angrier, I fired off a letter to Kellogg's which was ignored for a month or so.

Dear Kellogg’s.

Iwish I was writing to you on the subject of something happier but I am afraid Ihave a complaint with a product. The product in question is the cereal, CocoPops Moon & Stars.

Imust stress that my problem is not with the taste, it is more to do with thesize of the supposed moon and stars.

As anesteemed Astronomer, this box of cereal jumped out at me down the cereal aisleof my local supermarket. A cereal containing my two favourite things, I couldscarcely believe my luck. I decided I wanted to try them as soon as possible sojust left my trolley of groceries blocking an aisle and ran to the self scancheckout.

Icouldn’t even wait until home. I ripped into the cereal box with abandon furywhile sat in the supermarket trolley bay. Hands trembling, I tore thecellophane and slipped inside.

Irecoiled in horror at what I pulled out. These supposed moon and stars were outof proportion. Not just slightly, hideously. Even an untrained eye could seethis.

I’verounded these figures to make things easier (after all, this is my spare time)but I think it shows just how wrong Kellogg’s have got it.

Thediameter of the Moon – 3500km.
Thediameter of the average star – 1280000km.
Thereforethe moon is around 365 times smaller than the average star.

Thediameter of a Kellogg’s Moon – 15mm.
Thediameter of a Kellogg’s star – 20 mm.

Kellogg’shave got it right that a star is bigger than the moon but I feel it is a disgracethat Kellogg’s have not got the proportions correct.

Takingthis into account, I believe that if Kellogg’s are going to continue making thestar 20mm, the moon that accompanies should be around 0.054mm. Anything else isjust insulting Astronomers like me and also confusing our nations children. Itdepresses me to think that kids, after eating this cereal are living theirlives believing that the moon is only 5 millimetres smaller than a star.

Iimplore Kellogg’s to sort this matter out. Anything else is just letting downour nations future.
Iappreciate any reply.

Thankyou
Dean Pascoe.

As this matter was cruelly ignored by Kellogg's for around four months, I was getting ready to picket the factory. That was until I realised it was north of the Tamar and would require vaccinations and a period in quarantine to cross. Lucky for me, Kellogg's finally responded to the serious amount of pressure I was putting on them and a letter dropped through my door.

Click to enlarge, esse.

As they have taken my comments on board, I look forwards to more realistic proportions very soon. With a larger box. I will spend the £3 on another box of cereal that I hopefully will not find fault with.

Nominating An Olympic Torch Bearer.

2011-06-14T16:27:00.000+01:00

Maybe He's Not Such a Bastard After All....

2011-02-25T17:01:00.000Z

The Baby Jesus, 2010 (rtd hurt).

2010-12-27T14:00:00.002Z

Most people get so wrapped (hehe) up in the giving and receiving side of Christmas that they forget what it's really about.

Now as I'm not a religious man, I don't know a massive amount about Jesus but from what I do know, these days if he was about he would be regarded as some sort of superhero.

1) He changed water into wine! He's shit all over science with that one. I've never seen 'em show it can be done on Brainiac.

2) Healing people! That MRSA superbug must be bricking it waiting for ol' Jesus to come back. He'd karate chop that bug into next week. Then next week he'd do the same, ad inifinitum.

3) The fish and bread thing! I can't remember the details but he had some fish and bread and made more fish and bread out of the fish and bread to give to people who needed fish and bread. Craggy-faced swearmaster Gordon Ramsey probably can't even imagine doing something like this. I've definitely not seen it in any of his recipe books anyway.

4) Walking on water! This feat is so cool he had a lizard named after him. It's the Jesus Lizard for anyone that can't guess. Also the name of a great band. I don't recall Spider Man having a lizard or a band named after him. The actual lizard itself can only run on water because of it's great speed. Jesus could do whatever the hell he wanted on the water. Didn't have to run at all.

5) Calmed a stormy sea! Not particularly impressed with this one, I'm clearly running out.

6) He could breathe tornadoes! I can't find anything on the internet to back this up but I'm sure I read this when I was a kid. Could be thinking of something else though so don't take it as gospel (I'm on fire!).

Sounds pretty cool, right? When I hear on the news that he's coming back I'll probably try and get his autograph and maybe have a pint with him. I've already got a business plan I want to propose to him that involves wine bottles full of water.

*Someone has just told me that he wouldn't be 2010. I've spent the last few days drunk so I'm not going to work it out. If it's wrong just imagine I had it right.

Calippo Shots Disaster.

2010-09-13T15:59:00.000+01:00

Calippo (formerly Solero) Shots. For those living under a rock, I'm talking about a product that contains hundreds of tiny flavoured ice balls. It's like a shotgun cartridge of refreshment straight to the face. You just open the top, open your mouth and knock 'em back. Mmmmmmmmmmm, refreshing.

Unfortunately as anyone who has ever tried one knows it's not quite that easy. If exposed to any temperature warmer than a witches tit, the ice balls clump together thus hindering them making an exit into your mouth. Then the only way to get to them is with brute force.

This has happened to me too many times so I hit up the Wall's website and started to make a complaint in the 'contact us' section. Unfortunately I reached the 1000 character limit half way through so that idea had to be abandoned. With no sign of a Wall's email address anyway, I sought out the CEO of the parent company, Unilever. A quick Google provided an email contact address so I went ahead with this -

Dear Mr. Polman.

I have tried to make this complaint on the Wall's specific wesbite, but there was no email and the 'contact us' section only allowed for 1000 characters. I would appreciate this email being forwarded to the proper department so I can get a response. Thanks.

Dear Wall's.

It was a sunny day at Newquay Zoo and I was parched. Made my way over to a beverage kiosk and perused the substantial ice cream menu.
   A container stood out for me. Bright green in colour which had me salivating instantly. The name, 'Calippo' conjured up images of the Caribbean. The picture on the tube left me knowing without a doubt that I would be refreshed.

''One Calippo Shots, please'' said I, shaking with barely controlled excitement. I handed over a five pound note, not caring how much it cost. I needed it.
   The woman behind the kiosk handed me the icy goodness and gave a knowing nod. Eyes like saucers, staring at the beautifully designed package, I told her to keep the change.
   I sat down at a nearby bench knowing that if I tasted these while stood up, I would be instantly thrown to the ground as my body tries to cope with the insane amount of refreshment bestowed upon it.
   I'd waited long enough. Cracking open the seal and opening the liddy thing, I put my nose to it like I was experiencing the smell of a particularly fine Chardonnay. The scent of Lemon/Lime hit me like an express train. But in a good, non messy way.

I raised the container to my mouth and without hesitation, knocked them back.
Confusion reigned. Nothing fell into my mouth. I tried it again. Still nothing.

The individual spheres of flavoured ice had clumped together in a devastating mess. I tried to shake it but to no avail. I hadn't experienced disappointment like this since first tasting Turkish Delight.
   After one more attempt at dislodging the congealment, I'd had enough. I threw the Calippo Shots into the monkey enclosure, inadvertently striking a Macaque. This led to a nasty scene where I was forced to leave the zoo.

Wall's. You need to buck your ideas up and sort out this mess. There has to be a chemical somewhere that stops ice melting in hot weather. You have a large research budget and I suggest you use it.

I look forward to your reply.

Thank you, Dean Pascoe.

Straight to the top, no messing. It is a serious problem after all and they needed to know about it. Fortunately my complaint sent shock waves through Unilever towers and I received the following -

Dear Dean,

   Paul Polman has asked me to reply to your e-mail and to thank you for telling us about your problem in such an interesting manner.

The good news is that the team in the lab know what to do to stop the Calippo from melting in the sun. Unfortunately, they've not yet worked out how to make sure it will still melt when you eat it. They are still working on it but it may take some time.

In the meantime we've got a couple of options. One is to have fewer sunny days (and it looks like they succeeded this August). Better still is to make sure the Calippo stays as cold as possible right to the point where you want to eat it - frozen refreshment just when you need it most.
   Hopefully the next time you need a Calippo it will be in perfect condition. With a bit of luck there will still be some sunny days to help bring out Calippo's best features.
   If you let us have your address we'll be glad to send a voucher - just reply to this e-mail, making sure that the reference number is in the subject line.
   Let's hope the Macaque has recovered and is not considering a claim for personal injury - do let us know if one of those ambulance chasing lawyers writes to you and we'll try to help out.

Regards,

Phil Hood
Consumer Care Manager

I for one am glad that scientists in laboratories are working towards a better Calippo Shots for all of us. Though until the problem is fixed, I advise anyone who desires to purchase a Calippo Shot to have a large knife on you to get at the ice clump inside the carton.

PS - To any PETA people out there - The Macaque is fine. Probably.

'Build-a-Burger' Sweets.

2010-08-24T17:49:00.000+01:00

I purchased a packet of 'Build a Burger' sweets from Tesco on a whim. A tasty, tasty whim. Alas, all was not what it seemed.

As the packet shows a picture of a particularly happy burger and the name says 'build a burger', I presumed that it would contain tasty jellied ingredients which could be stacked to make a delicious hamburger-looking treat. Unfortunately the contents were far from adequate so I fired off an email to Tesco customer services to let them know this.

Dear Tesco Customer Services.

I purchased a packet of Tesco 'Build a Burger' jelly sweets from a store today and I would like to declare that I am really not happy with the product.

The packaging depicts a burger on the front. A bun, a slab of brown (I presume beef), cheese, tomato and lettuce. Judging from the name and this picture, I presumed that I would be able to build a mini jelly burger out of various jelly ingredients. How wrong I was.

On inspection of the jellies there's a top half of the bun, lettuce shaped green jelly, tomato shaped red jelly and cheese shaped yellow jelly. Each of the jellies that represents the filling have the bottom half of the bun incorporated into them. I searched through the packet and emptied the contents out but I could not find what I always assume is the main bit in a burger...the meat. Unless it was just this particular bag of sweets that had the jelly meat cruelly omitted, I just cannot understand why Tesco would deem it normal to not include the main ingredient. It's commercial suicide.

I must also add that I am unhappy with the amount of each ingredient. As you can see from this photo....

　
Five lots of lettuce.
Six top buns.
One cheese.
Eight tomato.

I guess too much was expected when I was thought that there would be an equal number of pieces. Seeing as there are fourteen bottom bun halves, why are there only six top halves? It defies sense and must have been the work of a lunatic. I suppose you could argue that two of the filling jellies could be put underneath the top bun and you would have six complete burgers (minus the meat obviously, sigh) but this is a stupid argument as there would be two bottom buns in each burger. Are Tesco really telling children that that much bread is good for you? I should hope not as Watchdog would jump right on your case.

As I'm not really a moaning person, I like to give constructive feedback which is why I include the following picture. I built my own mini burger just to give your Tesco sweet scientists a general idea on just what it should look like. Note the detail and inclusion of a nice bit of succulent beef. I used the original buns as I don't deem them to be part of the problem.

I hope you will take all of this on board and not produce such a shoddy and confused product in the future.

Thank you.

Dean Pascoe.

I figured that would have them quaking in their boots but would also give Tesco adequate scope to improve upon their product in the future. How right I was....

Dear Dean,

Thank you for your email.

Firstly, I’d like to apologise for the delay in getting back to you. Please let me assure you that we always try to respond to our customers' queries in a timely manner and I’m sorry that due to high volumes of contact, this has not happened on this occasion.

I'm very sorry to hear that your 'Build a Burger' didn't have the amount of each sweets or the main ingredient that you expected. I appreciate how disappointing this must have been for you.

However, our suppliers try hard to make sure that the right amount of each ingredient is included in the product. Because the product includes several ingredients, sadly, it is possible for the mix to vary.

Further to this, if you could reply with your address details, and also the bar code of the product, I'd be happy to send you £3.00 gesture of good will on a money card, to spend how you please. I hope you accept this with my best intentions.

Also, I've told our Supplier about this and they assured me that they'll do everything they can to make sure this doesn't happen again.

Thank you for letting me know about this. I hope that despite your experience, you'll continue to shop with us.

If you have any further queries please do not hesitate to contact me at customer.service@tesco.co.uk quoting TES********.

Kind Regards

(Name removed....because I can)
Customer Service Manager
Tesco Customer Service

£3! Three pounds sterling! I would work out how many packs of 'build a burger' sweets that can buy me but I didn't check the price when I bought them due to my enthusiasm. I will be using this unexpected windfall to purchase any many bags as possible so I can do a count as to the ratio of jellied ingredients within. If Tesco don't up their game....well.....I'll take this to the Supreme Court. Of JUSTICE.

The BT Advert Saga.

2010-08-22T13:27:00.001+01:00

Soooo........1.6million people voted that Adam and Jane are going to have a baby. 1600000 people that are interested in the goings-on of a fictional couple that appear in the advertising breaks during Corrie or Hollyoaks. More people than the population of Cornwall and Devon combined felt strongly enough about the bloke who used to be in My Family and the woman that used to be in Spooks that they bothered to log onto their Facebook account and registered a vote. Democracy in action.

As Jane was rubbing her tummy in the advert before the vote, it was obvious she was going to be pregnant. Why couldn't the public have voted 'no' just to screw BT up a bit? They would have had to explain her rubbing as trapped wind. But oh no, all the middle-aged women stuck in crap marriages who voted for her to be pregnant wouldn't do this as they want to see a couple actually happy, even if they don't exist.

I realise that as I am mentioning the BT adverts, it shows that I am also interested in the fictional lives of the 'modern family'. This is indeed true but only because I have ideas for scenarios that could come into play in the future.

1) Starts off with a touching scene where Adam and Jane are messing about outside and feeding deer in some remote mountain house (which still has decent internet speeds somehow). Without warning, a helicopter heads towards them and lands. A general gets out and declares that someone is going for Adam's old SAS team and he could be next.
Adam promises Jane that he will not leave. All of a sudden....BANG! Gunfire and explosions, all that stuff. While all this goes on, Adam makes loads of awesome quips and one liners and Jane gets kidnapped by her ex-husband in leather trousers and a chain mail vest.

This could also has great scope for future related adverts where we see Adam storming a lovely island full of millions of blokes with guns, all shooting at him and missing.

2) No more is mentioned about the pregnancy. In one advert, Jane is walking down the street talking on her phone to Adam. She walks by an abortion clinic and falls silent before carrying on with her conversation.

3) Adam using his BT broadband connection to put Jane up on Ebay for a laugh. She's bought for £210 by a hospital porter from Sidcup. Adam values his Ebay feedback too much to cancel the deal and Jane is never seen again. After all of that, the porter doesn't even leave feedback which enrages Adam for the next few adverts.

4) The Harper family from 'My Family' move into the house and hilarity ensues.

5) A series of adverts showing Adam getting more and more irate at the fact that his BT broadband is advertised as 'up to 15Mbps' but his download speed is a paltry 1.1Mbps. He rings BT customer service and after spending 45 minutes on the phone to them, he gets absolutely nowhere and declares BT to be a ''shower of shite''. In the next advert he can be seen trying to change his broadband over to Virgin. This does not go to plan though as BT lose the MAC code and Adam literally shits a chicken. The youngest of Jane's children gets punched.

When I one day become Creative Director of BT, you can be sure that I will implement these adverts quick haste. Adam and Jane have been getting away with happy families for way too long now.

Top Cornish Tourist Attractions.

2010-08-09T20:52:00.000+01:00

As the summer holiday is now in full force I thought I would help out any potential holidaymakers by showing a top ten run down of all that Cornwall has to offer.
Each attraction will have a personalised HBLC 'about as fun as...' comment to summarise.

10) Newquay.

Ever wanted to be vomited on from one angle and punched from the other? Feel the need to purchase hundreds of post cards, wind breaks and novelty plastic pasties? Visit Newquay in the height of Summer.
It's now possible to place bets in every pub and club in town on whether you will first get physically assaulted by a local or a tourist.

About as fun as: Cholera.

9) Llama Lland.

You're wrong. It really does exist. When a couple of Llama's are just not enough, here we have an entire land dedicated to them. I can only presume it's similar to Planet Of The Apes but in this case it's the Llama that has taken over, enslaving humans to perform manual labour and experimentation. I don't know, I haven't been. Apparently ''Llama Lland has one of the largest "clouds" of llamas in the country''. I surely can't be alone in thinking that a cloud of Llamas sounds absolutely terrifying.

About as fun as: Trying to get your head around the two l's in 'llama' at an early age.

8) Land's End.

Like John O'Groats but in the opposite direction.

About as fun as: Masturbation after contact with a particularly fiery chili.

7) World Of Model Railways.

Specifically designed for people with a phobia of full sized trains, this exhibition offers a fine array of tiny trains and scenery to fawn over. Marvel at the locomotives as they make their way around Cornish land marks before going around again. And again.
The website says ''The longer you look the more you see''. It's a fine motto so I suggest getting your moneys worth. As it's just under a fiver to enter, take it all in by causing a scene and refusing to leave when it closes.

About as fun as: Getting a lap dance from a traveller.

6) Redruth White Water Rapids.

Looking for something a little more extreme? If you're brave enough to take on mother nature and all she has to throw at you, Cornwall's own white water rapids are calling. Travelling at an incredible two metres per second, you will hurtle along this monstrous river facing such obstacles as overhanging gorse bushes, pebbles and dumped white goods. You will need to bring your own dinghy which cannot be wider than three feet due to the restraints of the river. You may be charged up to £10 per person for this once in a lifetime experience. Safety gear and supervision is not included.

About as fun as: Catching your knee on an abandoned Zanussi fridge freezer.

5) Goonhilly.

See that TV dish on the side of your house? Now imagine that but a fair bit bigger. And more of them. I can tell you're excited so I suggest a visit to Goonhilly Earth Station. On site is one of Britain's fastest cyber-cafes so when you've finally had enough of staring at giant cereal bowls, you can log onto Facebook and brag about how much faster your internet is. A tour is also on offer which takes in the entire history of the site. You can ask the tour guide expert why the hell they thought it was a good idea calling a radar station 'Arthur'. They'll try and tell you it's to do with King Arthur but I know the real reason behind it.

About as fun as: Mime artists.

4) The Hurlers.

Like Stonehenge but smaller. If you're been there and liked it, I'd recommend The Hurlers. If you thought Stonehenge was just a bunch of over hyped rocks, The Hurlers is not for you. Apparently if you correctly count the amount of stones a terrible misfortune will befall you. Probably meaning a return visit.

About as fun as: Rubble.

3) Morgawr Rollercoaster.

MOOOOOOOORRRRRRRGAAAAAAWWWWRRRRR! Cornwall's answer to Nemesis at Alton Towers. This ride will eat you up and spit you out. Then probably do it again as it really is that extreme. So extreme in fact that you have to be over 8 foot tall in order to ride it.

About as fun as: Waking to find you have legs as arms and arms as legs.

2) The Maize Maze.

Over 300 children lost and counting. Great name though. Not only is it great because 'maize' rhymes with 'maze', it's also great because the maze is made from maize! Clever, eh?

About as fun as: Waking up to find a clown in your bed.

1) Flambards.

The king of all theme parks. Thrill rides, chill rides and....other rides. Each year of my childhood would be spent eagerly anticipating what extreme new ride would be advertised as the 'New for *year*'. In previous years we've had The Hornet, The Thunderbolt and The Extreme Force. This year it's the Incredible Amazing Ridiculous Price Hike.
After you've taken up a second mortgage to fund the day, you will find there is so much to do for all the family. Ride the Hornet roller coaster which can reach speeds of up to 22mph depending on wind conditions. Defy death by sliding down the demon drop, melting clothes to your body while you do it. Visit 'Britain In The Blitz' which in years to come will invoke memories whenever you smell that distinct and odd musty stench. Take the kids through Gus Honneybun's underground burrow where they can view various stuffed animals then stand in a real gypsy caravan.
The real treat of the day is getting a visit from Ferdie the massive bear. Just hope he doesn't pretend to be statue and then suddenly jump out on you like he did to me when I was about 5, the absolute bastard.

About as fun as: A crying child that has just been mentally scarred by some twat wearing a bear costume.

The Dream Is Dead.

2010-08-04T19:25:00.001+01:00

I will not be announcing for Plymouth Argyle Football Club.

Perhaps it was due to my casual dress sense?
Perhaps it was due to my voice?
Perhaps it was due to the fact it looked like I had pissed myself?
Perhaps it was due to my quite frankly extortionate wage demands?

Whatever it was, I'm not what they're looking for.

As this leaves me and a large chunk of the British population foaming at the mouth from the clear injustice of it all, I have a proposal.

Write to your MP.

Don't be aggressive to them (well, not overly), just let them know that you are disgusted with this miscarriage of justice and you demand that something is done about it. Give it a couple weeks and it will be talked about in the House of Commons. I want to hear David Cameron on Prime Ministers Questions talking about how upset he is that I've been overlooked and what he intends to do about it.

Failing that, a protest outside Home Park for the Notts County game on 10/08/10. Bring a banner or a placard with a catchy slogan such as

''HBLC WOULD HAVE MADE AN AWESOME MATCH DAY ANNOUNCER AND WE ARE PROTESTING DUE TO THE FACT YOU'VE DEEMED HIM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THIS ROLE. SHAME ON YOU PLYMOUTH ARGYLE. SHAME ON YOU''

Fair enough, it would have to be a big sign but I will provide the a3 paper. You provide the pens.

The Welsh.

2010-07-28T01:08:00.002+01:00

Why are the Welsh so self-deprecating? Have they really undergone such ritual bullying and humiliation that even a simple ''hello'' can lead to them disparaging themselves?

I was introduced to a Welshman today and experienced it first hand. I wont use his actual name as I can't remember it.

Me:   ''Alright mate, I'm Dean.''
Him: ''Hey, I'm 'Welshman Exhibit A'. I know, I know. You can hear the accent, right?
         I'm Welsh. Across the border in the land of leeks. Sheepshaggers, all that.
         The valleys. It's a shit hole but it does have a few nice bits.
         Unpronounceable names, ridiculous, isn't it?
         Saying I work in a mine, get that a lot.
         We all walk around with leeks up our arses.
         Can't keep many of us in one place or we'll start a choir.
        Did I mention the sheepshagging? Oh yes.
         Only gay in the village....he was welsh wasn't he?
         Only listen to Tom Jones. Bunch of egg-chasing bastards we are.
         Have to be because we're crap at football.
         What do we call three sheep tied to a lamppost? Leisure centre.
         Yup, that's been told to me many times. Swansea...rough innit?''
Me:   ''Errrrm......nice shoes.''

Amuse And You Get.

2010-07-27T20:29:00.000+01:00

Look at it. Isn't it wonderful? Lovely shape, lovely pattern, lovely colour. It is a lovely hat. Well I only went and bloody bought one. A Jaxon Fedora from Surfdome to be precise. Looked like a trilby to me but then again I really don't know how to tell the difference between a fedora and a trilby.

I ordered the hat in medium as I was confident that my head is an average size as it seems to compliment the rest of my body pretty well. I should have measured but that means unravelling tape then winding it all back up again which as most tailors know is the most stressful part of tailoring. Probably. A few days later and a lovely hat arrives at my doorstep. Then as I'm not in, it gets taken to the local Royal Mail sorting office.

When I finally get hold of it I scrabble at the box like an excited kid on what he knows will be his last Christmas. I see the hat. It's lovely. Bleddy lovely in fact. I hold the lovely hat in my quivering hands and lower it onto my head. It's quite a fitting ceremony as I genuinely feel like a king at this point. King of the world. King of hats.

Ah cock. It's too small. My dreams are shattered and it dawns on me that I do not in fact have a medium sized head. I'm 5'10'' and weight 11 stone. My head should be medium. It's not. I'm upset and go for a lay down to think about what's just happened.

After pulling myself together, an email is in order to sort this mess out.

Dear Surfdome.

I purchased a lovely Jaxon Stingy Brim Fedora hat in Tan colour on the 1st of April (it was no April Fool, I assure you) and it arrived today. Beautiful item and perfect for my lazy summer days on the beach, shading my eyes from the overcast clouds. I ordered it in medium after measuring my head and deciding that this would likely be the best fit. Tried it on this afternoon and it is slightly too small.

It appears that I should have purchased the hat in the L for Large size as I had grossly underestimated the size of my head. The rest of my body can be pretty much generalised as Medium (apart from one certain area which I think would struggle to be classified as XS, but alas, I am as Vishnu made me) so I presumed that a Medium would fit my cranial bonce (pretty sure that's the Latin). Realising that I have a head that Jaxon hats would categorise as Large has genuinely hit me hard.

I've spent the whole evening avoiding the mirror in case I can see just how badly proportioned I am. I can only assume that if I look now, I will see a pumpkin atop a stick of celery. That or the bloated head syndrome man from Theme Hospital, if you've ever played that. If you haven't played it, check the link at the bottom of the page. I think I must look like the guy third from right*.

Would it be possibly to return this hat and exchange it for a......*shudder*.....Large? My customer number is ********** and order number is ***********.

I probably wont leave the house until the new hat arrives due to the fear of children goading me and pensioners recoiling in horror so I await any reply.

Providing I don't overbalance when I stand up, I will get the hat boxed and ready to go for when I get my RA number.

Thank you for your assistance and I only ask one thing of you (apart from the hat business). Think of me as a human. Not as a freak with a Large head.

Dean Pascoe. Aka, The Cornish Elephant Man.

PS - Do Surfdome sell an elaborate pulley system that can support the weight of my head? If they do, whack one in the post and charge it to my card.

*Unfortunately the Theme Hospital link doesn't work anymore, but they got the picture.

Imagine my delight a couple of days later when I received this back.

Hi there Cornish Elephant man aka Dean Pascoe,

We trust this email finds your head in good health and the weekend activities have not caused you too much drama and the sun did not burn your eyes without the use of the new Jaxon Fedora. Fear not you will no longer need to avoid the mirror as we most certainly can help you with a more roomy sized hat to accommodate you.

After checking out the doctor man on the link and giggling away the morning read (I tell you great to have an amusing and happy email to start the Monday off!) I have prepared for you an exchange number and instructions as follows.

Also to add I’m afraid we cannot accommodate a pulley system for you however you may be pleasantly surprised with your exchange parcel.

What a brilliant email to recieve back. It really is good to see that a company can have a sense of humour rather than just giving straight up return delivery instructions. What was even more brilliant though...''Pleasantly surprised''?! That got me pleasantly excited. I'd be pleasantly surprised if a stripper burst out of the delivery. I'd be pleasantly surprised if there were keys to a Zonda. Knowing that I had to wait for my pleasant surprise was killing me.

Sent off the small (medium) hat and quickly received another delivery. I saw the hat I had ordered and had reservations about trying it on. I was too scared that a 'large' size wouldn't fit. Imagine the humiliation? To my relief and delight though, it did. It fitted to perfection, almost like it was made for me. I was also in for a pleasant surprise though. Also in the box was....another hat! A lovely hounds tooth trilby along with a handwritten note.

We loved your email so much! Please find enclosed a hat for your cranial bonce to cater for expansion days (as it's a size XL) allowing the breeze to filter around the head & at the same time providing shade. Regards, Surfdome Customer Services Team.

After this I would highly recommend Surfdome to all. Great products and also a great laugh. Thumb up.

HBLC as Plymouth Argyle Match Day Announcer?

2010-07-26T13:46:00.002+01:00

I enjoy speaking and showing off in public. I really do. Give me an audience in a pub and my anecdotes, jokes and contemporary dance moves will invariably end up making me centre of attention...not always in a good way to be fair.
Being a massive supporter of Plymouth Argyle Football Club, when this opportunity came along, I couldn't resist. A chance to stand in the stadium I've been going to for years and booming my voice through a PA system to ~~15,000~~ ~~12,000~~ ~~10,000?~~ 8000 people sounds simply awesome to me.

Summoning every serious bone in my body I set about writing an email which would show me in the best light. Unfortunately, this was about as serious as I could come up with....

Sent: 13 May 2010 20:41:54 To: rick.cowdery@pafc.co.uk

Dear Rick.

Just sending an email to confirm interest in the vacant position of match day announcer. At 22, I feel I can bring a new youthful spark to proceedings with a good sense of humour and a cheeky charm showing through. I'm not sure I'd be able to keep up the standard of flirting that Fitz used to do with Mackie but I promise I'll give it a good go.

As the most important side of the job is public speaking experience, I will list occasions where I think I have excelled myself in this department.
When I was 10, I was interviewed on Spotlight about a school project I was involved in. I spoke clearly and coherently and even used a word with five syllables.
I was once approached in the street by a Pirate FM reporter and asked my opinion on the recession. Unfortunately I have no idea if my piece was broadcasted as I do not listen to Pirate FM.
I once used the speaker system in a busy Tesco store. This did not go quite according to plan though as I had developed cramp in my thigh and let out a slight scream which was broadcast to all customers. I know this point is not particularly complimentary to myself but I'm sure any background check on me would pick this up so I feel it's better to get it out in the open.
I sang 'Paradise City' by 'Guns n' Roses' to a packed club for karaoke with no alcohol involved. As you can appreciate, that took balls.

I will be more than happy to answer any further questions.

Many thanks.

Dean Pascoe.

A few days later I received a reply which included a few questions about myself to answer. Here is the email with my answers written in bold text.

First, thanks for showing an interest in the match-day announcer position at Home Park.

Second, please forgive the round-robin nature of this email – we have been so inundated with enquires about the job that this really is the only way to deal with them all.

I’d be grateful if you could supply me with a little bit of information to help the selection process.
If you could answer the questions below and reply, I will sift through all the answers before the next stage of the process.
I appreciate that some of you have already provided some of the information requested, but please go with it.

Thanks.

Rick Cowdery

Head of Communications

Plymouth Argyle Football Club

Name? Dean Pascoe

Age? 22

Are you available to work at every home game, between 12.30-5.30pm on Saturdays, between 5-10.30pm in midweek, and on the occasional Sunday if required? Yes

If the answer to the above is ‘no’, how many games would you be able to work at?

On a scale of 1-10, how well informed about Argyle are you? (10 = ‘I know Joe Mason’s middle name and how many sugars he takes in his coffee’; 1 = ‘Argyle? Isn’t that a sweater pattern?’) I'll give myself an 8. Pretty sure Joe is a tea drinking lad anyway.

Are you comfortable with the sound of your own voice? I am indeed. I have a very clear voice with a Cornish undertone. No speech impediments, eg. a lisp, stammer or random high notes.

Would performing in front of a large crowd daunt you? It would but fortunately this is for Argyle so I guess it will not pose a problem.

Have you any experience of public speaking? Plenty. I will list occasions where I think I have excelled myself in this department.

When I was 10, I was interviewed on Spotlight about a school project I was involved in. I spoke clearly and coherently and even used a word with five syllables.

I was once approached in the street by a Pirate FM reporter and asked my opinion on the recession. Unfortunately I have no idea if my piece was broadcasted as I do not listen to Pirate FM.

I once used the speaker system in a busy Tesco store. This did not go quite according to plan though as I had developed cramp in my thigh and let out a slight scream which was broadcast to all customers. I know this point is not particularly complimentary to myself but I'm sure any background check on me would pick this up so I feel it's better to get it out in the open.

I sang 'Paradise City' by 'Guns n' Roses' to a packed club for karaoke with no alcohol involved. As you can appreciate, that took balls.

Would you be prepared to work as part of a team of two announcers? Yes, though I really would prefer it if I was the better looking out of the two.

Would you be willing to pop up to Home Park for an audition? If so, what days/times are good for you? Midday onwards in weekdays as I'll more than likely have to take the train up from Cornwall.

Is there any other information you would like to supply in support of your interest? I have a long list of referees who will happily back my applications up (I believe a couple have already emailed you...) which I feel will show that I have some degree of public support. Also, I'm 5'10'', enjoy long walks on beaches and I once achieved 'High Honours' in a Grade 3 drum examination.

How could they not want me?! Coupled with the fact that various friends that had sent Mr. Cowdery character references, I figured I was a shoe-in...Yeah right. I clearly wasn't taking it overly seriously until I received a bugger load of support from good mates in Cornwall, on Facebook, on PASOTI and on the Froody forum. I then started to believe that I could actually do it.

I received a few more emails over the next couple of weeks about it, saying that they're busy at the moment so everything has been put on hold. Then....

Hey guys

Thanks for being patient over this.

I’d like to hold auditions next week, before we go to Holland.
I’ve set aside Wednesday, July 14 , starting at 6.30pm.

Please let me know if you are able to make that. If not, I will try to accommodate you some other way.

Regards

Rick Cowdery
Head of Communications
Plymouth argyle Football Club

Geddon! Of course I had to reply asking if it would be easier for me to have my audition in Holland. But only if there's room in the PAFC budget for my travel, hotel and lager expenses. Surprisingly enough, I received no reply to this offer.

Wednesday arrived. I decided to get the train to Plymouth that would get me there about 15 minutes before the audition. It takes 15 minutes to walk from the station to the ground so I would be cutting it fine. The train was 5 minutes late.
I sprint up to Home Park and arrive bang on time so I go over to the reception meeting point. Outside there are about 15 people dressed mainly in suits and other smart attire. I am wearing jeans, a t-shirt and a trilby hat. I am also sweating like a bastard from the run. Epic start.

After having my name ticked off on the register we were herded into Home Park, Argyle's stadium. I had no idea what the audition would entail. I wasn't sure if it would a one on one interview or a gruelling test of pressure handling where I'd be dunked into ice cold water then forced to read the line-up of Argyle v Sheff Utd, 2005.

It was far more impressive though. I actually got to stand on the Mayflower terrace, mic in hand and read through the provided script and team sheet while my voice and Semper Fidelis played over the stadium PA system.

I really hope that Rick did not write down 'He's pissed his jeans. He has actually pissed his jeans' on his summary of me. They're just darker in the groin and the angle I'm stood at exaggerates that. I swear. I SWEAR!

Anyway, I had great fun and it was a top experience. Will hear back at the beginning of August if I have got the job. Cheers!

A Pointless Attempt to Fool The Redruth Public.

2009-01-01T17:55:00.001Z

Let me first start by declaring that I do not have a fetish for Chris Eubank. Right, now we have that potential banana skin out of the way, here we go.

My ~~fetish~~ ~~infatuation~~ interest in using Mr. Eubank for mischief started when I 'Eubanked' an Oxfam charity bin. Most would call it an act of vandalism, but a few will hopefully call it art. For the hard of understanding, ''Shoe Bank'', and ''Eubank'' sound alike.

Since then, any time I need to think of a celebrity for anything, I choose Chris Eubank. This manifested itself again when I thought it would be amusing to declare that a famous person was born in my local town, Redruth in Cornwall. Now, there are not too many celebrities from down this way (historical well-knowns aside) so I felt my town needed one. Cue Mr. Eubank.
I photoshopped a ''Home To Chris Eubank'' sign, complete with vector drawings of the mans face and a pair of boxing gloves. I stuck it to a Welcome To Redruth sign a few weeks ago and it is still there now. It looks shit. I doubt it has drawn much attention and is probably too small to be made out by any people passing the sign in their cars. A bigger idea was needed.

Next on the Eubank agenda was to try and fool people into thinking that Christopher Livinsgtone Eubanks (thanks Wikipedia!) will be making a new years day appearance in the town centre. I made a bunch of signs to put up around town, announcing the itinerary of his visit, which will be January 1st. I put in the logo of the local council borough for added authenticity. Also included was a line to get people to contact the cinema for the imaginary karaoke tickets.

Around twenty of these were printed, laminated and put up in various prominent places around the town. One made it into a kebab shop, just asking to be scared at by drunk people who are easily influenced into going to see an ex-boxer in their town.

The next step was to construct a large banner to put up somewhere near by in order to get the attention of anyone driving past. I used The Rasterbator to transform my ''EUBANK IS COMING - JAN 1ST'' into a monster banner that took up 48 pages of A4 paper. I started to put all of the pieces together on the night of Dec 30th, but was taking way too long. At 2am, I called in a drunken friend for backup, and we managed to get it all together.

We decided to put the banner up on a billboard of the outskirts of Redruth which would be visable to all the traffic driving past. It was stupidly difficult to put up due to the fact it was bigger than me, the night was particularly windy and our only way of attaching it was double-sided sticky tape. Two rolls of double-sided, a roll of sellotape and about 40 minutes later, we had it in place. It was now 4am....

Heavens above, it was still there in the morning!

Unfortunately I was too asleep to go into town on January 1st to see if anyone actually bothered turning up, so will have to wait for the local newspapers to come out.

The media was notified about it, so will be interesting to see if they've made all this worth while, or it was a big piece of epic fail. I will update as appropriate.

Harold Bishop's Love Child.