I'm Now An Entrepreneur.

I wont lie, it did take me a number of goes to spell "entrepreneur". I didn't pansy out and let the spell check take over, oh no. I kept going 'til the red squiggly line disappeared like a real man.

I've been working at becoming an entrepreneur (first time, get in) for some time now but have struggled to come up with a genuinely useful idea, something that every member of the public will need, something that will adorn those little JML stalls dotted around Poundland. I didn't realise just how difficult it was and I've come away with utmost respect for people like Alan Sugar, inventor of the now obsolete fax-phone thing. I can only assume it took him months of deep thought and energy drinks as well. I'm not comparing myself to Sir Alan by the way. That would be ludicrous as he's much older than me and is a Cockney. I'm just implying that we have the same knack for inventing things and share an entreprenueral...entreprenural...entrepreneurial mindset.

My breakthrough came when I'd had a day at the football and fancied coming home to some beer, a pizza and a nice relaxing bath. I realised that the three are not usually mixed but it just made so much sense to me. I've oft used the phrase "it goes together like a bath, a pizza and a beer" to describe things that just work together perfectly so you can see why this worked in my new entrepreneurial brain. I quickly Googled "beer, bath and pizza solutions" to check some madman hadn't got there before me and stolen what is clearly my idea*. Fortunately there was nothing.

I set about designing my creating on the back of a Lidl 'deal of the week' flyer (I hear Lord Sugar does this) and eventually settled with a design that is basically a shoebox and a flag. Over complication of ideas is the killer of invention. Simplicity is art.

Building this craft took no time at all as I am very skilled in the art of putting bits together from other bits. I haven't been taught this, it's come naturally and to save a wasted email, no I cannot teach it. Lovingly crafting the flag came first. It needed to have a clear typeface to announce to the world the name of my product, the item that is missing in their lives. Next was the NOW UNBRANDED shoebox. It looked perfect and I knew my dream was realised. But what if it didn't work? It would have been a disaster far worse than the Titanic but with obviously fewer casualties.

I began to lower it to the bath with trembling hands. I let it drop the remaining three inches as I could feel a sneeze coming. Phase one was complete...it didn't burst into flame! Phase two involved the pizza. I chose a meat feast for no other reason than I was craving it at the time. I think any topping would work on the 'Pizza and Beer Pontoon', maybe with the exception of a Hawaiian because the idea of it is completely abhorrent to me. One slice at a time, the pizza boarded. Easy. The potential iceberg to my Titanic was always going to be the UNBRANDED bottle of Carlsberg Export lager. Now was not the time for thinking so I just placed it on and jumped back, waiting for death or glory. GLORY! It still floated. My genius had been realised and I knew that I've got the next big thing on my hands.

For practicality, this had to be tested with a person in the bath to see how easy it can be used. Unfortunately this hasn't been done yet as I had run the bath bollock-blisteringly hot and could only get a quarter of my body in. I'm still calling it a success though and anyone that says other wise can shut up.

I knew I had to take this to Dragons Den so I announced to the Twitter world that I would be on the show for the next series. A bit pre-mature but I'm confident. Even more confident when comedian Al Murray made a legally binding (must check this) offer for my business.

Hahaha, like I'd give away 24%. He must think I'm a mug. I applied online to Dragons Den, seeking a more sensible £20,000 for only 5%.

Click for evenbiggernes.

I'm so certain this will be a success that I'm currently building the next model. It's basically a shoebox with a disposable BBQ on top of it....because who doesn't like burnt BBQ food in the bath?

*Years back I invented the spork. I found out weeks later that it had already been in use since probably the seventies but I refuse to acknowledge this and I am currently claiming a monetary percentage of every one ever made. It's a long, drawn out process.

HBLC as Plymouth Argyle Match Day Announcer?

I enjoy speaking and showing off in public. I really do. Give me an audience in a pub and my anecdotes, jokes and contemporary dance moves will invariably end up making me centre of attention...not always in a good way to be fair.
Being a massive supporter of Plymouth Argyle Football Club, when this opportunity came along, I couldn't resist. A chance to stand in the stadium I've been going to for years and booming my voice through a PA system to 15,000 12,000 10,000? 8000 people sounds simply awesome to me.

Summoning every serious bone in my body I set about writing an email which would show me in the best light. Unfortunately, this was about as serious as I could come up with....

Sent: 13 May 2010 20:41:54 To: rick.cowdery@pafc.co.uk

Dear Rick.

Just sending an email to confirm interest in the vacant position of match day announcer. At 22, I feel I can bring a new youthful spark to proceedings with a good sense of humour and a cheeky charm showing through. I'm not sure I'd be able to keep up the standard of flirting that Fitz used to do with Mackie but I promise I'll give it a good go.

As the most important side of the job is public speaking experience, I will list occasions where I think I have excelled myself in this department.

• When I was 10, I was interviewed on Spotlight about a school project I was involved in. I spoke clearly and coherently and even used a word with five syllables.
• I was once approached in the street by a Pirate FM reporter and asked my opinion on the recession. Unfortunately I have no idea if my piece was broadcasted as I do not listen to Pirate FM.
• I once used the speaker system in a busy Tesco store. This did not go quite according to plan though as I had developed cramp in my thigh and let out a slight scream which was broadcast to all customers. I know this point is not particularly complimentary to myself but I'm sure any background check on me would pick this up so I feel it's better to get it out in the open.
• I sang 'Paradise City' by 'Guns n' Roses' to a packed club for karaoke with no alcohol involved. As you can appreciate, that took balls.

 I will be more than happy to answer any further questions.

Many thanks.

Dean Pascoe.

  

A few days later I received a reply which included a few questions about myself to answer. Here is the email with my answers written in bold text.

First, thanks for showing an interest in the match-day announcer position at Home Park.

Second, please forgive the round-robin nature of this email – we have been so inundated with enquires about the job that this really is the only way to deal with them all.

I’d be grateful if you could supply me with a little bit of information to help the selection process.
If you could answer the questions below and reply, I will sift through all the answers before the next stage of the process.
I appreciate that some of you have already provided some of the information requested, but please go with it.


Thanks.


Rick Cowdery


Head of Communications

Plymouth Argyle Football Club

Name? Dean Pascoe

Age? 22

Are you available to work at every home game, between 12.30-5.30pm on Saturdays, between 5-10.30pm in midweek, and on the occasional Sunday if required? Yes

If the answer to the above is ‘no’, how many games would you be able to work at?

On a scale of 1-10, how well informed about Argyle are you? (10 = ‘I know Joe Mason’s middle name and how many sugars he takes in his coffee’; 1 = ‘Argyle? Isn’t that a sweater pattern?’)  I'll give myself an 8. Pretty sure Joe is a tea drinking lad anyway.

Are you comfortable with the sound of your own voice? I am indeed. I have a very clear voice with a Cornish undertone. No speech impediments, eg. a lisp, stammer or random high notes.

Would performing in front of a large crowd daunt you? It would but fortunately this is for Argyle so I guess it will not pose a problem.

Have you any experience of public speaking? Plenty. I will list occasions where I think I have excelled myself in this department.

When I was 10, I was interviewed on Spotlight about a school project I was involved in. I spoke clearly and coherently and even used a word with five syllables.


I was once approached in the street by a Pirate FM reporter and asked my opinion on the recession. Unfortunately I have no idea if my piece was broadcasted as I do not listen to Pirate FM.


I once used the speaker system in a busy Tesco store. This did not go quite according to plan though as I had developed cramp in my thigh and let out a slight scream which was broadcast to all customers. I know this point is not particularly complimentary to myself but I'm sure any background check on me would pick this up so I feel it's better to get it out in the open.


I sang 'Paradise City' by 'Guns n' Roses' to a packed club for karaoke with no alcohol involved. As you can appreciate, that took balls.

Would you be prepared to work as part of a team of two announcers? Yes, though I really would prefer it if I was the better looking out of the two.

Would you be willing to pop up to Home Park for an audition? If so, what days/times are good for you? Midday onwards in weekdays as I'll more than likely have to take the train up from Cornwall.

Is there any other information you would like to supply in support of your interest? I have a long list of referees who will happily back my applications up (I believe a couple have already emailed you...) which I feel will show that I have some degree of public support. Also, I'm 5'10'', enjoy long walks on beaches and I once achieved 'High Honours' in a Grade 3 drum examination.

How could they not want me?! Coupled with the fact that various friends that had sent Mr. Cowdery character references, I figured I was a shoe-in...Yeah right. I clearly wasn't taking it overly seriously until I received a bugger load of support from good mates in Cornwall, on Facebook, on PASOTI and on the Froody forum. I then started to believe that I could actually do it.

I received a few more emails over the next couple of weeks about it, saying that they're busy at the moment so everything has been put on hold. Then....

Hey guys

Thanks for being patient over this.

I’d like to hold auditions next week, before we go to Holland.
I’ve set aside Wednesday, July 14 , starting at 6.30pm.

Please let me know if you are able to make that. If not, I will try to accommodate you some other way.

Regards

Rick Cowdery
Head of Communications
Plymouth argyle Football Club

Geddon! Of course I had to reply asking if it would be easier for me to have my audition in Holland. But only if there's room in the PAFC budget for my travel, hotel and lager expenses. Surprisingly enough, I received no reply to this offer.

Wednesday arrived. I decided to get the train to Plymouth that would get me there about 15 minutes before the audition. It takes 15 minutes to walk from the station to the ground so I would be cutting it fine. The train was 5 minutes late.
I sprint up to Home Park and arrive bang on time so I go over to the reception meeting point. Outside there are about 15 people dressed mainly in suits and other smart attire. I am wearing jeans, a t-shirt and a trilby hat. I am also sweating like a bastard from the run. Epic start.

After having my name ticked off on the register we were herded into Home Park, Argyle's stadium. I had no idea what the audition would entail. I wasn't sure if it would a one on one interview or a gruelling test of pressure handling where I'd be dunked into ice cold water then forced to read the line-up of Argyle v Sheff Utd, 2005.

It was far more impressive though. I actually got to stand on the Mayflower terrace, mic in hand and read through the provided script and team sheet while my voice and Semper Fidelis played over the stadium PA system.



I really hope that Rick did not write down 'He's pissed his jeans. He has actually pissed his jeans' on his summary of me. They're just darker in the groin and the angle I'm stood at exaggerates that. I swear. I SWEAR!

Anyway, I had great fun and it was a top experience. Will hear back at the beginning of August if I have got the job. Cheers!