I'm Now An Entrepreneur.

I wont lie, it did take me a number of goes to spell "entrepreneur". I didn't pansy out and let the spell check take over, oh no. I kept going 'til the red squiggly line disappeared like a real man.

I've been working at becoming an entrepreneur (first time, get in) for some time now but have struggled to come up with a genuinely useful idea, something that every member of the public will need, something that will adorn those little JML stalls dotted around Poundland. I didn't realise just how difficult it was and I've come away with utmost respect for people like Alan Sugar, inventor of the now obsolete fax-phone thing. I can only assume it took him months of deep thought and energy drinks as well. I'm not comparing myself to Sir Alan by the way. That would be ludicrous as he's much older than me and is a Cockney. I'm just implying that we have the same knack for inventing things and share an entreprenueral...entreprenural...entrepreneurial mindset.

My breakthrough came when I'd had a day at the football and fancied coming home to some beer, a pizza and a nice relaxing bath. I realised that the three are not usually mixed but it just made so much sense to me. I've oft used the phrase "it goes together like a bath, a pizza and a beer" to describe things that just work together perfectly so you can see why this worked in my new entrepreneurial brain. I quickly Googled "beer, bath and pizza solutions" to check some madman hadn't got there before me and stolen what is clearly my idea*. Fortunately there was nothing.

I set about designing my creating on the back of a Lidl 'deal of the week' flyer (I hear Lord Sugar does this) and eventually settled with a design that is basically a shoebox and a flag. Over complication of ideas is the killer of invention. Simplicity is art.

Building this craft took no time at all as I am very skilled in the art of putting bits together from other bits. I haven't been taught this, it's come naturally and to save a wasted email, no I cannot teach it. Lovingly crafting the flag came first. It needed to have a clear typeface to announce to the world the name of my product, the item that is missing in their lives. Next was the NOW UNBRANDED shoebox. It looked perfect and I knew my dream was realised. But what if it didn't work? It would have been a disaster far worse than the Titanic but with obviously fewer casualties.

I began to lower it to the bath with trembling hands. I let it drop the remaining three inches as I could feel a sneeze coming. Phase one was complete...it didn't burst into flame! Phase two involved the pizza. I chose a meat feast for no other reason than I was craving it at the time. I think any topping would work on the 'Pizza and Beer Pontoon', maybe with the exception of a Hawaiian because the idea of it is completely abhorrent to me. One slice at a time, the pizza boarded. Easy. The potential iceberg to my Titanic was always going to be the UNBRANDED bottle of Carlsberg Export lager. Now was not the time for thinking so I just placed it on and jumped back, waiting for death or glory. GLORY! It still floated. My genius had been realised and I knew that I've got the next big thing on my hands.

For practicality, this had to be tested with a person in the bath to see how easy it can be used. Unfortunately this hasn't been done yet as I had run the bath bollock-blisteringly hot and could only get a quarter of my body in. I'm still calling it a success though and anyone that says other wise can shut up.

I knew I had to take this to Dragons Den so I announced to the Twitter world that I would be on the show for the next series. A bit pre-mature but I'm confident. Even more confident when comedian Al Murray made a legally binding (must check this) offer for my business.

Hahaha, like I'd give away 24%. He must think I'm a mug. I applied online to Dragons Den, seeking a more sensible £20,000 for only 5%.

Click for evenbiggernes.

I'm so certain this will be a success that I'm currently building the next model. It's basically a shoebox with a disposable BBQ on top of it....because who doesn't like burnt BBQ food in the bath?

*Years back I invented the spork. I found out weeks later that it had already been in use since probably the seventies but I refuse to acknowledge this and I am currently claiming a monetary percentage of every one ever made. It's a long, drawn out process.