Kelbloggs.

Sometimes it's really difficult to think up a really witty and hilarious title for a post but as this is a blog and this particular post is about Kellogg's, I have succeeded massively with Kelbloggs. It works and it can't be denied.


A while back I purchased a pack of Kellogg's Coco Pops Moons and Stars. I'm not sure exactly what I expected of this cereal but I found myself left disappointed. Not with the taste mind, they were satisfactory...but with the size of the individual pieces. Tiny.

Angry, I fired off an email to Kellogg's. Which was ignored. Angrier, I fired off a letter to Kellogg's which was ignored for a month or so.

Dear Kellogg’s.

I wish I was writing to you on the subject of something happier but I am afraid I have a complaint with a product. The product in question is the cereal, Coco Pops Moon & Stars.

I must stress that my problem is not with the taste, it is more to do with the size of the supposed moon and stars.

As an esteemed Astronomer, this box of cereal jumped out at me down the cereal aisle of my local supermarket. A cereal containing my two favourite things, I could scarcely believe my luck. I decided I wanted to try them as soon as possible so just left my trolley of groceries blocking an aisle and ran to the self scan checkout.

I couldn’t even wait until home. I ripped into the cereal box with abandon fury while sat in the supermarket trolley bay. Hands trembling, I tore the cellophane and slipped inside.

I recoiled in horror at what I pulled out. These supposed moon and stars were out of proportion. Not just slightly, hideously. Even an untrained eye could see this.

I’ve rounded these figures to make things easier (after all, this is my spare time) but I think it shows just how wrong Kellogg’s have got it.

The diameter of the Moon – 3500km.

The diameter of the average star – 1280000km.

Therefore the moon is around 365 times smaller than the average star.

The diameter of a Kellogg’s Moon – 15mm.

The diameter of a Kellogg’s star – 20 mm.

Kellogg’s have got it right that a star is bigger than the moon but I feel it is a disgrace that Kellogg’s have not got the proportions correct.

Taking this into account, I believe that if Kellogg’s are going to continue making the star 20mm, the moon that accompanies should be around 0.054mm. Anything else is just insulting Astronomers like me and also confusing our nations children. It depresses me to think that kids, after eating this cereal are living their lives believing that the moon is only 5 millimetres smaller than a star.

I implore Kellogg’s to sort this matter out. Anything else is just letting down our nations future.

I appreciate any reply.

Thank you

                 Dean Pascoe.

As this matter was cruelly ignored by Kellogg's for around four months, I was getting ready to picket the factory. That was until I realised it was north of the Tamar and would require vaccinations and a period in quarantine to cross. Lucky for me, Kellogg's finally responded to the serious amount of pressure I was putting on them and a letter dropped through my door.

Click to enlarge, esse.

As they have taken my comments on board, I look forwards to more realistic proportions very soon. With a larger box. I will spend the £3 on another box of cereal that I hopefully will not find fault with.

Nominating An Olympic Torch Bearer.

Maybe He's Not Such a Bastard After All....

The Baby Jesus, 2010 (rtd hurt).



Most people get so wrapped (hehe) up in the giving and receiving side of Christmas that they forget what it's really about.



Now as I'm not a religious man, I don't know a massive amount about Jesus but from what I do know, these days if he was about he would be regarded as some sort of superhero.

1) He changed water into wine! He's shit all over science with that one. I've never seen 'em show it can be done on Brainiac.

2) Healing people! That MRSA superbug must be bricking it waiting for ol' Jesus to come back. He'd karate chop that bug into next week. Then next week he'd do the same, ad inifinitum.

3) The fish and bread thing! I can't remember the details but he had some fish and bread and made more fish and bread out of the fish and bread to give to people who needed fish and bread. Craggy-faced swearmaster Gordon Ramsey probably can't even imagine doing something like this. I've definitely not seen it in any of his recipe books anyway.

4) Walking on water! This feat is so cool he had a lizard named after him. It's the Jesus Lizard for anyone that can't guess. Also the name of a great band. I don't recall Spider Man having a lizard or a band named after him. The actual lizard itself can only run on water because of it's great speed. Jesus could do whatever the hell he wanted on the water. Didn't have to run at all.

5) Calmed a stormy sea! Not particularly impressed with this one, I'm clearly running out.

6) He could breathe tornadoes! I can't find anything on the internet to back this up but I'm sure I read this when I was a kid. Could be thinking of something else though so don't take it as gospel (I'm on fire!).

Sounds pretty cool, right? When I hear on the news that he's coming back I'll probably try and get his autograph and maybe have a pint with him. I've already got a business plan I want to propose to him that involves wine bottles full of water.




*Someone has just told me that he wouldn't be 2010. I've spent the last few days drunk so I'm not going to work it out. If it's wrong just imagine I had it right.

Calippo Shots Disaster.

Calippo (formerly Solero) Shots. For those living under a rock, I'm talking about a product that contains hundreds of tiny flavoured ice balls. It's like a shotgun cartridge of refreshment straight to the face. You just open the top, open your mouth and knock 'em back. Mmmmmmmmmmm, refreshing.

Unfortunately as anyone who has ever tried one knows it's not quite that easy. If exposed to any temperature warmer than a witches tit, the ice balls clump together thus hindering them making an exit into your mouth. Then the only way to get to them is with brute force.

This has happened to me too many times so I hit up the Wall's website and started to make a complaint in the 'contact us' section. Unfortunately I reached the 1000 character limit half way through so that idea had to be abandoned. With no sign of a Wall's email address anyway, I sought out the CEO of the parent company, Unilever. A quick Google provided an email contact address so I went ahead with this -

Dear Mr. Polman.



I have tried to make this complaint on the Wall's specific wesbite, but there was no email and the 'contact us' section only allowed for 1000 characters. I would appreciate this email being forwarded to the proper department so I can get a response. Thanks.

 Dear Wall's.


It was a sunny day at Newquay Zoo and I was parched. Made my way over to a beverage kiosk and perused the substantial ice cream menu.
   A container stood out for me. Bright green in colour which had me salivating instantly. The name, 'Calippo' conjured up images of the Caribbean. The picture on the tube left me knowing without a doubt that I would be refreshed.


''One Calippo Shots, please'' said I, shaking with barely controlled excitement. I handed over a five pound note, not caring how much it cost. I needed it.
   The woman behind the kiosk handed me the icy goodness and gave a knowing nod. Eyes like saucers, staring at the beautifully designed package, I told her to keep the change.
   I sat down at a nearby bench knowing that if I tasted these while stood up, I would be instantly thrown to the ground as my body tries to cope with the insane amount of refreshment bestowed upon it.
   I'd waited long enough. Cracking open the seal and opening the liddy thing, I put my nose to it like I was experiencing the smell of a particularly fine Chardonnay. The scent of Lemon/Lime hit me like an express train. But in a good, non messy way.


I raised the container to my mouth and without hesitation, knocked them back.
Confusion reigned. Nothing fell into my mouth. I tried it again. Still nothing.


The individual spheres of flavoured ice had clumped together in a devastating mess. I tried to shake it but to no avail. I hadn't experienced disappointment like this since first tasting Turkish Delight.
   After one more attempt at dislodging the congealment, I'd had enough. I threw the Calippo Shots into the monkey enclosure, inadvertently striking a Macaque. This led to a nasty scene where I was forced to leave the zoo.


Wall's. You need to buck your ideas up and sort out this mess. There has to be a chemical somewhere that stops ice melting in hot weather. You have a large research budget and I suggest you use it.


I look forward to your reply.


Thank you, Dean Pascoe.

Straight to the top, no messing. It is a serious problem after all and they needed to know about it. Fortunately my complaint sent shock waves through Unilever towers and I received the following -

Dear Dean,

   Paul Polman has asked me to reply to your e-mail and to thank you for telling us about your problem in such an interesting manner.


The good news is that the team in the lab know what to do to stop the Calippo from melting in the sun. Unfortunately, they've not yet worked out how to make sure it will still melt when you eat it. They are still working on it but it may take some time.


In the meantime we've got a couple of options. One is to have fewer sunny days (and it looks like they succeeded this August). Better still is to make sure the Calippo stays as cold as possible right to the point where you want to eat it - frozen refreshment just when you need it most.
   Hopefully the next time you need a Calippo it will be in perfect condition. With a bit of luck there will still be some sunny days to help bring out Calippo's best features.
   If you let us have your address we'll be glad to send a voucher - just reply to this e-mail, making sure that the reference number is in the subject line.
   Let's hope the Macaque has recovered and is not considering a claim for personal injury - do let us know if one of those ambulance chasing lawyers writes to you and we'll try to help out.
 
Regards,


Phil Hood
Consumer Care Manager

I for one am glad that scientists in laboratories are working towards a better Calippo Shots for all of us. Though until the problem is fixed, I advise anyone who desires to purchase a Calippo Shot to have a large knife on you to get at the ice clump inside the carton.

PS - To any PETA people out there - The Macaque is fine. Probably.

'Build-a-Burger' Sweets.

I purchased a packet of 'Build a Burger' sweets from Tesco on a whim. A tasty, tasty whim. Alas, all was not what it seemed.

As the packet shows a picture of a particularly happy burger and the name says 'build a burger', I presumed that it would contain tasty jellied ingredients which could be stacked to make a delicious hamburger-looking treat. Unfortunately the contents were far from adequate so I fired off an email to Tesco customer services to let them know this.

Dear Tesco Customer Services.



I purchased a packet of Tesco 'Build a Burger' jelly sweets from a store today and I would like to declare that I am really not happy with the product.


The packaging depicts a burger on the front. A bun, a slab of brown (I presume beef), cheese, tomato and lettuce. Judging from the name and this picture, I presumed that I would be able to build a mini jelly burger out of various jelly ingredients. How wrong I was.


On inspection of the jellies there's a top half of the bun, lettuce shaped green jelly, tomato shaped red jelly and cheese shaped yellow jelly. Each of the jellies that represents the filling have the bottom half of the bun incorporated into them. I searched through the packet and emptied the contents out but I could not find what I always assume is the main bit in a burger...the meat. Unless it was just this particular bag of sweets that had the jelly meat cruelly omitted, I just cannot understand why Tesco would deem it normal to not include the main ingredient. It's commercial suicide.


I must also add that I am unhappy with the amount of each ingredient. As you can see from this photo....

　
Five lots of lettuce.
Six top buns.
One cheese.
Eight tomato.


I guess too much was expected when I was thought that there would be an equal number of pieces. Seeing as there are fourteen bottom bun halves, why are there only six top halves? It defies sense and must have been the work of a lunatic. I suppose you could argue that two of the filling jellies could be put underneath the top bun and you would have six complete burgers (minus the meat obviously, sigh) but this is a stupid argument as there would be two bottom buns in each burger. Are Tesco really telling children that that much bread is good for you? I should hope not as Watchdog would jump right on your case.


As I'm not really a moaning person, I like to give constructive feedback which is why I include the following picture. I built my own mini burger just to give your Tesco sweet scientists a general idea on just what it should look like. Note the detail and inclusion of a nice bit of succulent beef. I used the original buns as I don't deem them to be part of the problem.

I hope you will take all of this on board and not produce such a shoddy and confused product in the future.


Thank you.


Dean Pascoe.

I figured that would have them quaking in their boots but would also give Tesco adequate scope to improve upon their product in the future. How right I was....

          Dear Dean,

Thank you for your email.


Firstly, I’d like to apologise for the delay in getting back to you. Please let me assure you that we always try to respond to our customers' queries in a timely manner and I’m sorry that due to high volumes of contact, this has not happened on this occasion.


I'm very sorry to hear that your 'Build a Burger' didn't have the amount of each sweets or the main ingredient that you expected. I appreciate how disappointing this must have been for you.


However, our suppliers try hard to make sure that the right amount of each ingredient is included in the product. Because the product includes several ingredients, sadly, it is possible for the mix to vary.

Further to this, if you could reply with your address details, and also the bar code of the product, I'd be happy to send you £3.00 gesture of good will on a money card, to spend how you please. I hope you accept this with my best intentions.


Also, I've told our Supplier about this and they assured me that they'll do everything they can to make sure this doesn't happen again.


Thank you for letting me know about this. I hope that despite your experience, you'll continue to shop with us.


If you have any further queries please do not hesitate to contact me at customer.service@tesco.co.uk quoting TES********.


Kind Regards


(Name removed....because I can)
Customer Service Manager
Tesco Customer Service

£3! Three pounds sterling! I would work out how many packs of 'build a burger' sweets that can buy me but I didn't check the price when I bought them due to my enthusiasm. I will be using this unexpected windfall to purchase any many bags as possible so I can do a count as to the ratio of jellied ingredients within. If Tesco don't up their game....well.....I'll take this to the Supreme Court. Of JUSTICE.

The BT Advert Saga.

                                                

Soooo........1.6million people voted that Adam and Jane are going to have a baby. 1600000 people that are interested in the goings-on of a fictional couple that appear in the advertising breaks during Corrie or Hollyoaks. More people than the population of Cornwall and Devon combined felt strongly enough about the bloke who used to be in My Family and the woman that used to be in Spooks that they bothered to log onto their Facebook account and registered a vote. Democracy in action.

As Jane was rubbing her tummy in the advert before the vote, it was obvious she was going to be pregnant. Why couldn't the public have voted 'no' just to screw BT up a bit? They would have had to explain her rubbing as trapped wind. But oh no, all the middle-aged women stuck in crap marriages who voted for her to be pregnant wouldn't do this as they want to see a couple actually happy, even if they don't exist.

I realise that as I am mentioning the BT adverts, it shows that I am also interested in the fictional lives of the 'modern family'. This is indeed true but only because I have ideas for scenarios that could come into play in the future.

1) Starts off with a touching scene where Adam and Jane are messing about outside and feeding deer in some remote mountain house (which still has decent internet speeds somehow). Without warning, a helicopter heads towards them and lands. A general gets out and declares that someone is going for Adam's old SAS team and he could be next.

Adam promises Jane that he will not leave. All of a sudden....BANG! Gunfire and explosions, all that stuff. While all this goes on, Adam makes loads of awesome quips and one liners and Jane gets kidnapped by her ex-husband in leather trousers and a chain mail vest.

This could also has great scope for future related adverts where we see Adam storming a lovely island full of millions of blokes with guns, all shooting at him and missing.

2) No more is mentioned about the pregnancy. In one advert, Jane is walking down the street talking on her phone to Adam. She walks by an abortion clinic and falls silent before carrying on with her conversation.

3) Adam using his BT broadband connection to put Jane up on Ebay for a laugh. She's bought for £210 by a hospital porter from Sidcup. Adam values his Ebay feedback too much to cancel the deal and Jane is never seen again. After all of that, the porter doesn't even leave feedback which enrages Adam for the next few adverts.

4) The Harper family from 'My Family' move into the house and hilarity ensues.

5) A series of adverts showing Adam getting more and more irate at the fact that his BT broadband is advertised as 'up to 15Mbps' but his download speed is a paltry 1.1Mbps. He rings BT customer service and after spending 45 minutes on the phone to them, he gets absolutely nowhere and declares BT to be a ''shower of shite''. In the next advert he can be seen trying to change his broadband over to Virgin. This does not go to plan though as BT lose the MAC code and Adam literally shits a chicken. The youngest of Jane's children gets punched.

 

When I one day become Creative Director of BT, you can be sure that I will implement these adverts quick haste. Adam and Jane have been getting away with happy families for way too long now.