I Really Wanted a Bedside Cabinet - Oak Furniture Land.

Oak Furniture Land.

Everyone in the UK knows their adverts and that 'No veneer in 'ere' slogan of theirs and how it's ripe for a bit of a piss take.

I started on Twitter with the following two Tweets which led to getting blocked.

After this, I gave them a few months respite before throwing myself at their Facebook page with this opening gambit. It was a bit crap and not worthy of a response from the company.

I realised some hilarious anecdotes would probably go down a little better so pestered them with these beauties.

 Rather unbelievably these did not invoke a response, even the Germaine Greer one which is 100% probably true so I offered up a reminder. I really wanted that bedside cabinet.

This did the trick!

April Fools Day. Not a good omen for receiving a serious amount of oak furniture but I had my fingers crossed as after all, it's against the law to say 'this is not an April Fools' and commit an April Fool. Doing some cold hard time is a genuine possibility for them if they refuse to send it as a Fool. I just had to have some patience.

11 days later, I have my oak furniture!

Well played, Oak Furniture Land. Well played.

Sean Bean At My Wedding.

A few months ago I did THIS  to a selection of family photos. Unfortunately my heavily pregnant fiancee didn't react too well to the Beaning and proceeded to rip each face off and then binned the original framed Sean Bean picture which I had acquired from a charity shop, ignoring the fact that I'd shelled out 99p for it.

Things were a little frosty for a while.

Since then she has become my wife and we've had a beautiful baby girl. Our wedding was utterly fantastic, a big celebration with all of our loved ones coming together to share a perfect day with us.
However, it bugged me that Sean Bean wasn't there. To be fair, Sean was not invited as I couldn't find a contact address due to him not being a very social media friendly person. A little part of me hoped he'd somehow stumble on our ceremony and become part of our day, but alas, this did not happen. 

BUT with the magic combination of Photoshop, Tramadol and a chest infection, IT'S LIKE HE WAS ACTUALLY THERE! Now our big day has gone from around 85% perfect to the full 100%.

The Many Faces of Sean Bean.

Sean Bean

Also Sean Bean

Yup. Sean Bean.

Tyrannosaurus Rex

I've recently acquired a quite fantastic inflatable T-Rex costume, BEST. PURCHASE. EVER.

A child's tricycle is perfect for the stubby arms of a T-Rex.

Hasselhoffasaurus Rex

More to follow. Many, many more. Too many more.

Sean Bean

Best Charity Shop Purchase Ever.

Back in February, I found what I claim to be the best item ever put up for a sale in a charity shop. It was a small picture of oft killed-too-soon actor Sean Bean, printed straight from the internet with the 'draft' print setting and placed in the cheapest frame available. For only 99p! I naturally jumped on this, handed over a pound and gave a "just keep the change, I'm a charitable kind of guy" nod to the cashier.

When I got it home, I refused to take the 99p price tag off and put it in pride of place of our living room bookshelf, right in front of the scan of my unborn daughter. Naturally while this was completely fine with me, my fiancee didn't like the positioning of Sean Bean and removed it. So I placed it back. She removed it again. I put it back. She hid Sean. I found Sean and put him back...and so on and so on.

One night I was looking at my Sean picture, relegated to the top shelf and hidden behind other family photos. I couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't want Sean Bean's handsome and rugged face, his sharpe (GREAT PUN RIGHT THERE) suits and his untameable hair in pride of place to show off to visitors, home invaders and invited in Jehovah's Witnesses. He's Ned Stark for christ sake. He'd motherflippin' Boromir! HE PLAYED SHARPE! HE PLAYED SHARPE! HE. PLAYED. SHARPE!

So 57 printed pictures of Sean Bean later, this happened....

No photo was safe. No photo went un-Bean'd. Improvements were made. I'm now sexually confused.

Operation Dog Bath.

MASSIVE FAILURE.

My attempt at getting my 48kg Dogue De Bordeaux to have a bath. It didn't work.

Advice About Birds.

Inadvertent dating advice from Youtube.

Having Myself a Merry Nigella Christmas...

Team Nigella, baby!