The Swan - Nature's Bastard.

The following letter has been sent to The Queen on behalf of every person in the UK who has been made to feel intimidated and uneasy while visiting a lovely boating lake or pond.

Her Majesty The Queen

Buckingham Palace

London SW1A 1AA

Your Majesty,


I have a pressing question that I feel only you, as Queen Protector Of All Gracious Swans, can answer me.


Like most people in the UK, it has been drummed into me since birth that the humble Swan has the power to break your arm with its wing. This is a terrifying thought as Swans are known to get quite shirty and I’ve been eyed up and chased numerous times while walking around the local boating lake.

I feel that the Swan is preying on this fear, using it to scare people into dropping bread, wallet, keys etc during the inevitable chase that happens. As such, I was wondering if it is okay to pre-emptively strike a Swan? Running away just leads to even more Swan cockiness and they’re already way too strutty with their long necks and “oh, look at me!” fluffy white plumage. As a man, I need to show it who’s boss and I’d rather do that before we get into a proper scrap where I stand a chance of having my arm broken,

It would be great to have this answered before I get pulled by a Royal Swan Protection Officer.

I have the honour to be, Madam, Your Majesty's humble and obedient servant.

HBLC.