The Baby Jesus, 2010 (rtd hurt).



Most people get so wrapped (hehe) up in the giving and receiving side of Christmas that they forget what it's really about.



Now as I'm not a religious man, I don't know a massive amount about Jesus but from what I do know, these days if he was about he would be regarded as some sort of superhero.

1) He changed water into wine! He's shit all over science with that one. I've never seen 'em show it can be done on Brainiac.

2) Healing people! That MRSA superbug must be bricking it waiting for ol' Jesus to come back. He'd karate chop that bug into next week. Then next week he'd do the same, ad inifinitum.

3) The fish and bread thing! I can't remember the details but he had some fish and bread and made more fish and bread out of the fish and bread to give to people who needed fish and bread. Craggy-faced swearmaster Gordon Ramsey probably can't even imagine doing something like this. I've definitely not seen it in any of his recipe books anyway.

4) Walking on water! This feat is so cool he had a lizard named after him. It's the Jesus Lizard for anyone that can't guess. Also the name of a great band. I don't recall Spider Man having a lizard or a band named after him. The actual lizard itself can only run on water because of it's great speed. Jesus could do whatever the hell he wanted on the water. Didn't have to run at all.

5) Calmed a stormy sea! Not particularly impressed with this one, I'm clearly running out.

6) He could breathe tornadoes! I can't find anything on the internet to back this up but I'm sure I read this when I was a kid. Could be thinking of something else though so don't take it as gospel (I'm on fire!).

Sounds pretty cool, right? When I hear on the news that he's coming back I'll probably try and get his autograph and maybe have a pint with him. I've already got a business plan I want to propose to him that involves wine bottles full of water.




*Someone has just told me that he wouldn't be 2010. I've spent the last few days drunk so I'm not going to work it out. If it's wrong just imagine I had it right.