Calippo Shots Disaster.

Calippo (formerly Solero) Shots. For those living under a rock, I'm talking about a product that contains hundreds of tiny flavoured ice balls. It's like a shotgun cartridge of refreshment straight to the face. You just open the top, open your mouth and knock 'em back. Mmmmmmmmmmm, refreshing.

Unfortunately as anyone who has ever tried one knows it's not quite that easy. If exposed to any temperature warmer than a witches tit, the ice balls clump together thus hindering them making an exit into your mouth. Then the only way to get to them is with brute force.

This has happened to me too many times so I hit up the Wall's website and started to make a complaint in the 'contact us' section. Unfortunately I reached the 1000 character limit half way through so that idea had to be abandoned. With no sign of a Wall's email address anyway, I sought out the CEO of the parent company, Unilever. A quick Google provided an email contact address so I went ahead with this -

Dear Mr. Polman.



I have tried to make this complaint on the Wall's specific wesbite, but there was no email and the 'contact us' section only allowed for 1000 characters. I would appreciate this email being forwarded to the proper department so I can get a response. Thanks.

 Dear Wall's.


It was a sunny day at Newquay Zoo and I was parched. Made my way over to a beverage kiosk and perused the substantial ice cream menu.
   A container stood out for me. Bright green in colour which had me salivating instantly. The name, 'Calippo' conjured up images of the Caribbean. The picture on the tube left me knowing without a doubt that I would be refreshed.


''One Calippo Shots, please'' said I, shaking with barely controlled excitement. I handed over a five pound note, not caring how much it cost. I needed it.
   The woman behind the kiosk handed me the icy goodness and gave a knowing nod. Eyes like saucers, staring at the beautifully designed package, I told her to keep the change.
   I sat down at a nearby bench knowing that if I tasted these while stood up, I would be instantly thrown to the ground as my body tries to cope with the insane amount of refreshment bestowed upon it.
   I'd waited long enough. Cracking open the seal and opening the liddy thing, I put my nose to it like I was experiencing the smell of a particularly fine Chardonnay. The scent of Lemon/Lime hit me like an express train. But in a good, non messy way.


I raised the container to my mouth and without hesitation, knocked them back.
Confusion reigned. Nothing fell into my mouth. I tried it again. Still nothing.


The individual spheres of flavoured ice had clumped together in a devastating mess. I tried to shake it but to no avail. I hadn't experienced disappointment like this since first tasting Turkish Delight.
   After one more attempt at dislodging the congealment, I'd had enough. I threw the Calippo Shots into the monkey enclosure, inadvertently striking a Macaque. This led to a nasty scene where I was forced to leave the zoo.


Wall's. You need to buck your ideas up and sort out this mess. There has to be a chemical somewhere that stops ice melting in hot weather. You have a large research budget and I suggest you use it.


I look forward to your reply.


Thank you, Dean Pascoe.

Straight to the top, no messing. It is a serious problem after all and they needed to know about it. Fortunately my complaint sent shock waves through Unilever towers and I received the following -

Dear Dean,

   Paul Polman has asked me to reply to your e-mail and to thank you for telling us about your problem in such an interesting manner.


The good news is that the team in the lab know what to do to stop the Calippo from melting in the sun. Unfortunately, they've not yet worked out how to make sure it will still melt when you eat it. They are still working on it but it may take some time.


In the meantime we've got a couple of options. One is to have fewer sunny days (and it looks like they succeeded this August). Better still is to make sure the Calippo stays as cold as possible right to the point where you want to eat it - frozen refreshment just when you need it most.
   Hopefully the next time you need a Calippo it will be in perfect condition. With a bit of luck there will still be some sunny days to help bring out Calippo's best features.
   If you let us have your address we'll be glad to send a voucher - just reply to this e-mail, making sure that the reference number is in the subject line.
   Let's hope the Macaque has recovered and is not considering a claim for personal injury - do let us know if one of those ambulance chasing lawyers writes to you and we'll try to help out.
 
Regards,


Phil Hood
Consumer Care Manager

I for one am glad that scientists in laboratories are working towards a better Calippo Shots for all of us. Though until the problem is fixed, I advise anyone who desires to purchase a Calippo Shot to have a large knife on you to get at the ice clump inside the carton.

PS - To any PETA people out there - The Macaque is fine. Probably.