Top Cornish Tourist Attractions.

As the summer holiday is now in full force I thought I would help out any potential holidaymakers by showing a top ten run down of all that Cornwall has to offer.
Each attraction will have a personalised HBLC 'about as fun as...' comment to summarise.


10) Newquay.

Ever wanted to be vomited on from one angle and punched from the other? Feel the need to purchase hundreds of post cards, wind breaks and novelty plastic pasties? Visit Newquay in the height of Summer.
It's now possible to place bets in every pub and club in town on whether you will first get physically assaulted by a local or a tourist.

About as fun as: Cholera.


9) Llama Lland.

You're wrong. It really does exist. When a couple of Llama's are just not enough, here we have an entire land dedicated to them. I can only presume it's similar to Planet Of The Apes but in this case it's the Llama that has taken over, enslaving humans to perform manual labour and experimentation. I don't know, I haven't been. Apparently ''Llama Lland has one of the largest "clouds" of llamas in the country''. I surely can't be alone in thinking that a cloud of Llamas sounds absolutely terrifying.

About as fun as: Trying to get your head around the two l's in 'llama' at an early age.


8) Land's End.

Like John O'Groats but in the opposite direction.

About as fun as: Masturbation after contact with a particularly fiery chili.


7) World Of Model Railways.

Specifically designed for people with a phobia of full sized trains, this exhibition offers a fine array of tiny trains and scenery to fawn over. Marvel at the locomotives as they make their way around Cornish land marks before going around again. And again.
The website says ''The longer you look the more you see''. It's a fine motto so I suggest getting your moneys worth. As it's just under a fiver to enter, take it all in by causing a scene and refusing to leave when it closes.

About as fun as: Getting a lap dance from a traveller.


6) Redruth White Water Rapids.

Looking for something a little more extreme? If you're brave enough to take on mother nature and all she has to throw at you, Cornwall's own white water rapids are calling. Travelling at an incredible two metres per second, you will hurtle along this monstrous river facing such obstacles as overhanging gorse bushes, pebbles and dumped white goods. You will need to bring your own dinghy which cannot be wider than three feet due to the restraints of the river. You may be charged up to £10 per person for this once in a lifetime experience. Safety gear and supervision is not included.

About as fun as: Catching your knee on an abandoned Zanussi fridge freezer.


5) Goonhilly.

See that TV dish on the side of your house? Now imagine that but a fair bit bigger. And more of them. I can tell you're excited so I suggest a visit to Goonhilly Earth Station. On site is one of Britain's fastest cyber-cafes so when you've finally had enough of staring at giant cereal bowls, you can log onto Facebook and brag about how much faster your internet is. A tour is also on offer which takes in the entire history of the site. You can ask the tour guide expert why the hell they thought it was a good idea calling a radar station 'Arthur'. They'll try and tell you it's to do with King Arthur but I know the real reason behind it.

About as fun as: Mime artists.


4) The Hurlers.

Like Stonehenge but smaller. If you're been there and liked it, I'd recommend The Hurlers. If you thought Stonehenge was just a bunch of over hyped rocks, The Hurlers is not for you. Apparently if you correctly count the amount of stones a terrible misfortune will befall you. Probably meaning a return visit.

About as fun as: Rubble.


3) Morgawr Rollercoaster.

MOOOOOOOORRRRRRRGAAAAAAWWWWRRRRR! Cornwall's answer to Nemesis at Alton Towers. This ride will eat you up and spit you out. Then probably do it again as it really is that extreme. So extreme in fact that you have to be over 8 foot tall in order to ride it.

About as fun as: Waking to find you have legs as arms and arms as legs.


2) The Maize Maze.

Over 300 children lost and counting. Great name though. Not only is it great because 'maize' rhymes with 'maze', it's also great because the maze is made from maize! Clever, eh?

About as fun as: Waking up to find a clown in your bed.


1) Flambards.

The king of all theme parks. Thrill rides, chill rides and....other rides. Each year of my childhood would be spent eagerly anticipating what extreme new ride would be advertised as the 'New for *year*'. In previous years we've had The Hornet, The Thunderbolt and The Extreme Force. This year it's the Incredible Amazing Ridiculous Price Hike.
After you've taken up a second mortgage to fund the day, you will find there is so much to do for all the family. Ride the Hornet roller coaster which can reach speeds of up to 22mph depending on wind conditions. Defy death by sliding down the demon drop, melting clothes to your body while you do it. Visit 'Britain In The Blitz' which in years to come will invoke memories whenever you smell that distinct and odd musty stench. Take the kids through Gus Honneybun's underground burrow where they can view various stuffed animals then stand in a real gypsy caravan.
The real treat of the day is getting a visit from Ferdie the massive bear. Just hope he doesn't pretend to be statue and then suddenly jump out on you like he did to me when I was about 5, the absolute bastard.

About as fun as: A crying child that has just been mentally scarred by some twat wearing a bear costume.